An unidentified spokesperson for Harvard University held a press conference at Burden Hall on the Boston, Massachusetts USA campus. With no printed material to hand out, the johannes factotum delivered the following series of terse statements, ad lib, sotto voce, obiter dictum, ex cathedra--with plausible deniability.
Obviously, the presidency of the United States has been endangered by an utter buffoon, Georgius W. Bucis, who was mistakenly awarded a master of business administration degree from Harvard University in 1975, and it is important that this never happen again. The functional administration of the United States government is now a disastrous charade that actually endangers human beings and other living things all over the planet. As a result of this debacle, Harvard University apologizes to the people of the World for contributing to this fraud and for falsely giving the impression that such a jackass could actually get an advanced degree in any subject.
Equally obvious, the major banking and financial institutions of the United States are in varying degrees of receivership and propped up by bailouts from the dysfunctional government previously described. A great many of the banks, mortgage companies, financial institutions, insurers, and so forth are managed at all levels by graduates of the Harvard School of Business. This melange of idiots has destroyed the American economy and may be dragging the World's financial systems down with it into a massive recession
During this 2008 centennial year for the business school, Harvard University will take drastic steps to compensate for generating these synchronous, related disasters.
First, all business degrees granted by Harvard University are hereby rescinded, and the placement office will no longer send out transcripts or evidence of matriculation, attendance or graduation. Admissions are immediately suspended.
Second, the case method process of the business school will be transferred to the History department and their subsequent editions of the Harvard Business Review will henceforth devote all research and writing to on-going analyses of the massive failures perpretrated by the moronic graduates of the defunct business program.
Third, business faculty members will be given a penurious stipend and ordered to go forth, into the realms of commerce, found a business, and discover whether their methods will actually earn them a living.
Fourth, the various endowments for the Harvard University School of Business will be transferred to the athletic department in order to fund admission and scholarship programs that will make all our teams top-flight competitors. The goals will be for Harvard College graduates to have successful, noteworthy players in the NFL, NBA, NHL, and MLB by the year 2020. Other goals will be for Crimson graduates to compete in NASCAR, WWF, and possibly FIFA, with perhaps a striker for Manchester United or Arsenal.
No questions, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Good Day.