Even after Papa Panzer, the Rottweiler of Roamin' Religion, has returned to the royal palace designed after the Bethlehem stable in which Luke's baby Gesu was born (Matthew's apparently lived in a middle class condominium), the wholly holy father, the one true pope of the one true rekligion has agreed to continue interviews with the spoof religion reporters who usually write about drivel, dribble and drool.
Reporter #1: Papa Panzer, why does the church continue to provide annulments, aka back door divorces, and yet deny divorced catholics the right of remarriage in the church?
Papa P: First, to those who think our filthy rich church is only concerned with money, I hope you notice that we turn down millions in remarriage wedding stipends as we stay loyal to our belief in the indissolubility of marriage. Annulments, my very untutored religion reporter are available only to those who can prove (and pay) that their vows from the start were faulty. We can annul marriages that never were marriages because of lies, deceit and deception. We added psychological maturity so every engaged couple had something to nullify their doomed mating.
Divorce on the other hand is denied to Catholic couples because they have promised better or worse and just because they got worse doesn't mean they get the get ourt of jail card!Plus the church doesn't make any money out of a civil divorce...
Reporter #2: Is it true that priests can be released from their vows and then go on to marry?
PP: Yes, You see the priest is married to Jesus and we only allow male priests and a male Jesus and a really male God. Thus, the Wholly Roamin' Catholic Church, since it forbids gay marriage, in fact gay anything, does not consider the gay divorce an obstacle to an heterosexsual marriage.
Spoofporter #3: But isn't it true that if a lay Catholic male kills his wife and confesses his sin, he can become a priest?
Pa Pa: Yes, that is true. In the long history of Wholly Roamin' Catholicism, killing women has been quite par for the course. And our all male, yet all forgiving God could not help but absolve the wife-murderer. Thus, now single, our boyo would be eligible for Holy Orders. You wouldn't want Wholly Mother Church to be rigidly legalistic would you?