In a rare gesture of believing he is actually Vice President of the U.S and is being paid $220,000 per year to function as such, VP Dick Cheney, recently exited 'Der Bunker' in the White House.
Insiders have learned the purpose was to advise President Bush on how to 'behave' for the rest of his term (that is, until November 4, 2008, election day), so that John McCain, the Republican nominee for President, has the best chance of taking the White House and keeping it Republican.
Realizing that Mr. President is a dunce uttering such things as, "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning;" "We cannot let terrorists hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile;" "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family;" "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream;" or "Will the highways on the Internet become more few,?" Cheney knows that his Puppet Bush must utter something intelligent, at least, occasionally, to instill confidence. Certainly, no speech blunder by Bush will ever again be acceptable.
Cheney is in fear of more gaffes by Bushy Boy that will make the Republicans look like clowns. Mr. Bush's approval rating hovers around 30% now and the political pundits have pegged him as the worst-ever U.S. President. Clearly, the Puppeteer 'Cardiovascular Disaster,' Cheney, himself, is so concerned that the Elephant Party will lose the White House, that he got up from his Lazey-Buoy recliner recently to have an early-morning tête à ête with the Leader of the Free World.
Mr. Bush was "disturbed" at 1:30 AM that morning and complained to Laura, "What dufus is trying to talk to me, The President, this early? And, I'm almost there for you sweetheart! Bless that Viagrum! Oh, shit!...did the Russkies finally send nucular missiles our way?" It was at this very moment that Georgie Boy was about to remove gun, holster, and hat while bringing Laura to extreme nirvana, as our 'Cowboy' was about to fully take the 'San Antonio schoolmarm' for a real 'cowboy ride'!
"Sorry Mr. President, but I'm calling to advise you, as election day nears," said the Veep. "OK, I guess you're out of Der Bunker and calling from the pantry," uttered Mr. Bush, "as I see it on my cell." "Yes, my Puppet President!" "OK, enough with the Puppet, Cheney;! I'm going to the pantry, now! Damned VP crap!"
(in the pantry):
"Georgie Boy, I have prepared 'The Cheney Manifesto' for you, so that, at least, the liberal jerk McCain can get us GOP boys to keep the White House. Got it?"
"Yes, Mr. Cheney."
"Listen...I'll send you a confidential memo on this conversation. It's about 2 AM and you'll get it right now from my mouth. Georgie Boy, if you blow any of this, Obama or Hillary will ream us in November, so pay attention and do all I say. No questions!"
"It's called 'The Cheney Manifesto'
You will follow all the dictates below and every day before election Day, Tuesday, November 4, 2008.
Here we go:
1 week of remedial English asap
No more travel to those rinky dink sweathole countries
No telling anybody about our threesomes with Condi Rice!
No restating prior quotes...that'll kill us 1-2-3!
No mention of Barbara's and Jenna's friends with benefits!
No mention you slept with Maggie Thatcher for 'knowledge'
No mention you were compromised by Nancy Pelosi...sick!
Press conferences kept to a minimum
Don't bad mouth McCain...REMEMBER! McCain's our guy!
Don't mention anything Clinton or Obama and no jokes
Nothing about ugly Chelsea, especially
If asked, bin Laden died and a stunt Osama is doing him
Keep the heck away from Ground Zero
You never heard the term 'Shock & Awe'!
Don't mention that lesbo daughter of mine
Gonzales and Rumsfeld were really itching to play golf
Don't drink more than two Shirley Temples at Banquets
Dump all crayons, coloring books...copies of 'The Pet Goat'
Keep off the War...I'll cover it or Petraeus!
Don't say our equipment in Iraq is top notch!
Don't mention doing all for our War vets!
Don't say we're the party of Watergate!
Nothing about the 'Cowboy and Schoolmarm Game' with Laura!
I'll have to add to this list, as time passes and it gets closer to the election. I cannot trust you Mr. President!"
(Cheney walking away thinking to himself: "They all believe that the Bush nitwit is President, while Cheney, Der Führer, really runs the show...thank God for that bunker with booze, sports on dish, gym, DVDs, and an occasional intern on my lap. Oh, if Bubba could see some of my action!"
Anonymously Reported- 'The Sub Rosa Republican'
(Limited Distribution---Do Not Copy!)