Written by TJL
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Thursday, 10 April 2008

As a single man living in New York City, I have gained knowledge on a variety of subjects; things that have helped me survive pretty well in the greatest city on earth.
Let me tell you more about the things that I know.

How To Order A Drink At A Bar

1. Approach the bar confidently. Bartenders can smell fear and trepidation. The center of the bar near the taps is an optimal spot for finding a bartender.

2. Never refer to the bartender as dude, chief, buddy, and especially bro. Bartenders are permitted by law in New York State to kill anyone who calls them bro.

3. Order your drinks in a clear concise matter. Enunciation and proper diction will help you get your drinks faster. It is important to know exactly what you want to drink before ordering. Indecision on your part may cause the bartender to serve another customer who has his or her shit together. If you are ordering drinks for a group, be sure to have a clearly written alphabetized list ready to read to the bartender.

4. Wait patiently for your drinks to be prepared. To pass the time by thinking about how wonderful a drink prepared by a professional well groomed bartender will make your life so much better.

5. Pay for your drinks upon delivery. Have your cash or credit card ready before hand to avoid any more delays. A generous tip should be left on the bartender's side of the bar. Always try to pay cash, because bartenders hate handling those stupid little fucking reciepts that come out of credit card machines.

6. Thank the bartender for all his hard work and then enjoy your drink. Repeat the process as soon as possible.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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