Outside the skies are blue and the trees are in full blossom, but in Diagon Alley family planning clinic an anxious Voldermort is sat in the waiting room.
Receptionist: Mr Voldermort, sir, Mr Lunt is ready to see you know.
Voldie: Thank you missy.
Voldermort enters Mr Lunt's room.
Mr Lunt: Hi, do sit down Voldermort, may I call you Voldie?
Voldie: no I prefer Voldermort, Voldie is what my lover Snapey calls me.
Mr Lunt: very well, but before we get started you should know that I used to be a heart surgeon/ doctor/plastic surgeon/tree surgeon/care taker/nurse. So I am more than qualified, I do have 34 degrees. Any how what seems to be the problem?
Voldie: I have missed my period! And are getting sick in the morning.
Luntie: I see, is there any possibility you could be pregnant?
Voldie: No we are always so careful; you know we use Weasley wizarding preggers pills.
Luntie: and you aren't under any….special spell? You no something that might ……
Voldie: well yes I do use the erectus spell, but that is only because I am quite small down there.
Luntie: yes I have that problem too (cough) but you do no that the Weasley wizarding preggers pill doesn't work under the influence of stronge magic like the erectus charm..
Voldie: (jumping up) I ll kill that Harry Potter, setting me up like this.
Luntie: please Mr Voldermort someone in your condition should not do any such thing.
Voldie: so I am up the duff
Luntie: afraid so.
Voldie: (getting up to leave) thank you Mr Lunt you are a great Wizard, next time I take over the world I will see your family get treated well, especially your son, Joe, I like him.
Luntie: Thank you have some free condoms, you never know when they will come in useful, that's what I always say to my son, though as yet I can't say he has needed them.
Voldermort leaves via the window and flies to Hogwarts castle. He enters the school via Dumbledore's office window. Dumbledore is on the desk with professor Sprout.
Voldie: oh I say, I thought you were gay!
Duble: oh I am, but Snape is taken and Hagrid is hardly my type. Oh and I dare say the parents won't be happy if my hands went wandering towards the students. Truth be I fancy a bit of Longbottom. God I' d like to touch his bottom!
Sprout: Albus if we are going to have sex will you please get on with it! And this time HARDER And Voldermort what do you want?
Voldie: Harry Potter
Duble: not still after him? You will find him in a broom cupboard no doubt please try not to spill blood on the castle floor we have jus have new ones fitted from Floors-2-Go.
After disturbing many couples including Hermione and Malfoy, Hagrid and Ron, Ginny and Cho, he finally tracks Harry down. With two muggle girls. One is Sophie the other is a big nosed big foreheaded yet pretty girl that went by the name of Katie.
Sophie: Not him again.
Katie: oh is he here to join in?
Harry: excuse me…………
Voldie: OH MY GOD HARRY WHY IS YOUR PENIS FLASHING RAINBOW COLOURS?
Harry: Voldie darling, It is the penis colouarmus charm, come on the first page in the book 'Hogwarts sex a history'!
Voldie: haven't read that.
Harry: second bookshelf, third book across in the library, Voldie, you need sex tips.
Snape comes around the corner humming the Harry potter theme tune.
Snape: oh hi Voldie and hi naked yet flashing penis Harry.
Voldie: snapey, I have some news
But just then liquid leaks from beneath his robes.
Snape: OH MY GOD YOU WET YOURSELF
Harry: no his waters have broken!!! Come on Snape an intelligent wizard like you should have worked that one out! TO THE HOSPITAL WING
Snape and a naked (yet penis flashing) Harry carry Voldermort to the hospital ward. As they burst through the doors, Voldermort sicks up a baby.
Harry: so that's how wizarding babys are born!
Madam Pomphrey: congratulation you have a baby boy.
They all peer down at it, and the can just make out a small yet distinctive scar on its penis. A scar in the shape of a LIGHTENING BOLT!
Most of the Harry Potter clan are gathered around the hospital bed of Voldermort (though some are not present as they are busy in broom cupboards)
Fred: so what are you going to call the sprog?
Voldie: I would like some peace and quiet if you lot have forgotten, I have just given birth here.
All: Sorry Voldermort.
Snape, Fred, Harry, Ron, George, Hagrid and Sophie all head for the door.
Voldie: (jumping up) no not you darling, I need a talk with you.
Snape turns around
Voldie: no not you Snape, Harry.
Snape and the others leave whilst Harry stays behind.
Harry: this better be good, I really have broom cupboards to be in!
Voldie: it won't take long, but I think you are the father of my little Wormy Riddle.
Voldie: I know it is hard…..
Harry: you called it WORMY RIDDLE
Voldie: what? It sounds cute, and did you not hear me before.
Harry: yes you said I was the dad, but I thought the name was more alarming. But there is no way I could be the father, we haven't ……you know.
Voldie: come on Harry don't tell me you don't remember last December! We still hated each others guts and we were trying to kill each other, we where duelling when you sort of fell on me and things happened
Harry: yes but I was fully clothed.
Voldie: oh come on Harry if two people want it that bad! It happens.
Harry: I DIDN'T WANT IT BAD OR ANY OTHER WAY
Voldie: Harry potter, this child is yours, you only have to look at its penis, and I love you, I WANT YOUR HEART, I WANT YOU!
Harry: Hard look there Voldermort, someone else owns my heart
Sophie comes in through the door.
Sophie: Harry, thought you where taking me to the Leaky Cauldron
Voldie: (whispers to Harry) If you won't be with me, I ll destroy HER, mark my words boy, your girlfriend is as good as dead, for I have always loved you and will till the day I die. I only acted like I wanted to kill you to get your attention! Can' you see I love you like nobody else can.
Harry: (whispers) you don't know the meaning of the word love. You touch her and I will cry rape on you for what happened last December. I LOVE her, I ll never leave her, not for you, not for anyone (to Sophie) come on.
Sophie and Harry are at the leaky cauldron. Harry is at the bar waiting to be severed. Hagrid is at a near bar stool.
Harry: Hagrid, do you know where Tom is? I want to order some fire whiskeys.
Hagrid: oh didn' see you there Harry. (waves to Sophie) I see you ar' her' with you' girlfrien'. Tom will probabl' be in his personal broom cupboard, be ou' in a bit don' take him long these days.
Tom comes out looking a little worse for ware closely followed by Crabbe and Goyle.
Tom: (out of breath) Yes Harry dear?
But before Harry has time to place his drink order a strange figure flies through the window.
Tom: is It a plane, is it a bird, NO IT IS VOLDERMORT AND A PUSH CHAIR!!!
Voldermort is pushing a pink push chair with Wormy Riddle in.
Hagrid: thought it were a boy you 'ad Voldermort?
Voldie: yes, yes, but I thought pink was so much cuter, don't you agree daddy?
Harry: shhhhhhhhhhh! What are you doing here? Didn't you hear what I said?
Voldie: just wanted a little word with your little girlfriend over there.
Harry: oh no you don't
But it is too late, Voldermort is already over there.
Voldie: may I take a seat pretty girl
Sophie; ermmm…yes I suppose.
Voldie: isn't my baby cute
Sophie: yes, he looks like…he looks like…..
Voldie: yes he looks like his daddy, HARRY JAMES POTTER.
Harry: Sophie I am sorry.
Sophie: (slapping Harry) how could you?
Harry: it was only the once?
Sophie slaps him again.
Harry: I only enjoyed it a tiny bit.
Sophie kicks him in his magical area and he falls back clenching his heart.
Hagrid: (jumping up) oh no looks like all those 'special' charms have backfired on him! He is having a heart attack! TO THE HOSPITAL WING.
Sophie: (stamps on Harry's fingers) GOOD! I hope he dies. Voldie you are welcome to his heart! He is having a heart attack so I don't suppose there won't be much left of it.
And with that she burst in to a puff of smoke and transports herself to Hogwarts castle. She transports herself to the ground near Hagrid hut. In tears, she walks into Hargrid's hut in search of warmth and a place to recover. However she Is taken aback by the sight she sees, Abi, George Weasley and the ghost of Fred are participating in a little extras curricular activity. The national anthem blasts out from an unexplainable source and fills her ear
Sophie: Oh My God I didn't no you where in here!! arahhhhhhhhhhh what the hell are those?
George: Come on Sophie; don't tell me Harry didn't tell you about our 'Weasley Willy Wishes' basically it is a pill we invented that you take and your penis takes the shape that the girl most desires. Take Abi here for instance, she likes long curly willys that sing the national anthem, so that is what mine and Fred's penis are doing.
Sophie: sorry to disturb, and no Harry didn't tell me but that Is probably because he was too busy impregnating Lord Voldermort.
Fred, Abi and George stop and stare
Fred (in a ghost like voice): what? Harry got Voldermort pregnant? I thought he was suppose to be in love with you.
Sophie: No, apparently not , I was obviously nothing to him. You know you give your all to someone and they turn around and slap you in the face.
George (bust in t tears): What? (Between sobs) it is a sad story. Carry on we want to hear all.
they all sit down on Hagrid sofa, Abi, Fed the ghost and George still naked.
Ron enters humming the national anthen to himself.
Ron: wahhhhhhhh Cheak out your twos willys.
Fred: Ron this isn't the time, we are listening to Sophie's story.
Ron: oh yeah well you can't because Dumbledore wants to see Sophie in his office.
Abi: Oh Sof, I think you are in there.
Ron and sophie leave and walk to Dumbledore's office, as they are entering through the door, Neville Longbottom passes them looking flustered and red in the cheeks.
Duble: (removing his eyes from his computer screen and his hand from his crotch) Oh Sophie dear, take a seat. now this is about Harry. I believe you have called things off with him, because he is the believed father of Voldermort's child.
Sophie: yes that is true, but with respect professor it is none of your business, and didn't Snape kill you ?
Dumbledore: no dear child, I faked my own death and now that Voldermort has stopped trying to kill us all I have returned. Anyway that isn't the issue here, come with me.
And he drags here into the pensive. At first things are foggy but then the fog lifts and Sophie finds herself in a deep forest. She sees Harry and Voldermort duel in the distance, and then from behind a near by tree, she sees Dumbledore drinking back a flask. Suddenly he turns into a replica of Harry.
Sophie: (in a whisper) polyjuice potion
The Dumbledore Harry tiptoes up the Harry, and charms him asleep and the inadvertently falls on Voldermort with his pants around his ankles. Once again fog forms and before long Sophie is back with Dumbledore in his office.
Dumbledore: I took you back to my memory, and you see, it wasn't Harry, he has been a hundred percent faithful to you, and it was me wanting to get my leg over without getting it published In the Daily Prophet. I am sorry. He is in the Hospital wing.
Sophie heads off to the hospital wing.
Sophie: I love you harry james potter
Harry: I love you too