Written by Sophie Jayne
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Tuesday, 8 April 2008

image for The Award Show, The Gay Kiss And The Insane Stalker the gay kiss

It was the night of the best wizarding awards which is very similar to muggle award shows such as the Oscars except that the awards are awarded to wizards for acts of great magic.

Voldermort was presenting the awards and was dressed in a pretty pink dress which revealed a tad of cleavage but not too much to be counted as slutty. Harry was there too, sat in the audience looking rather lush in a tux as he does.

He was with his wife Sophie and his three SAS bodyguards, there should have been four bodyguards but one (which was secretly a lord) had snook off with the mischievous Abigail to the bar where they were both knocking down Appletinis as fast as you can say Tom Riddle.

Voldermort: And now we turn the sexiest wizard of the year award and here to present the award all the way from Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry is the one and only....Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy appears dressed in a pale pink suit that goes perfectly with his stupid white hair.

Malfoy: And the nominees are......Albus Brain Dumbledore (big cheer)....Remus Lupin (No cheer)....Ronald Billus Weasley (cheer only from Hermione and Molly Weasley) and HARRY JAMES POTTER (biggest cheer of them all). And the winner of the sexiest wizard of the year goes to..... (Opens gold envelope)....HARRY JAMES POTTER.

Harry gets up to collect his award and his three SAS men follow him up as he goes on to the stage. Malfoy goes to hand sexy harry the golden statue award but he thinks better of it and suddenly his lips meet those of harry potter's. For a second the audience fall silent and harry is rooted to the spot not quiet knowing what to do as he does want to look homophobic. Then slowly he moves his hand upwards to rest behind Malfoy head and now he is defiantly kissing back. The audience begin to cheer, all except two members. One of them is his wife Sophie she is incomplete shock as she watches her lover passionately kiss another man. The other also goes by the name of Mrs Radcliffe but she is defiantly not married to harry, for she is his stalker.

The stalker jumps onto Malfoy and Harry.

Stalker mad girl: No you are mine not Malfoy's. Will you accompany me to a broom cupboard?

SAS men :( pointing guns at stalker mad girl) are you the stalker?

Stalker mad girl: If I said I wasn't would you put your guns down and let me shag harry?

SAS men: yeah of course.

Stalker mad girl: well in that cases come on tiger I want you at least seven times....

Malfoy: sorry love but I have fallen in love with Harry.

Sophie: (coming on to the stage) well you are going to have to fall out of love with him with quickly because I have loved him ever since he first swished his eleven and a half incher and muttered the words winguardian leviosa.

Voldermort: well with so many people declare their undying for him it is easy to see why he got his award isn't it. Now can we please wind this up darlings? I have my sponge bath in an hour.

Stalker mad girl: Go to hell Voldie we will not wind this up. In fact...(grasps a machine gun from a nearby SAS man and holding Sophie around the neck points the gun at her.)

Harry: That is my wife you are manhandling.

Stalker mad girl: If I can't have you she can't have you.

Harry: GET OFF MY WIFE.

It suddenly dawns on the SAS men that the woman holding Sophie at gun point is in fact mad and is the stalker.

SAS men: OMG that is the bleeding stalker.

They all shoot at her. Two of the bullets miss completely and hit the chandelier. One bullet buries itself in human flesh but not that of the stalker!

Harry: You fool you shot my wife. (Kneels down beside her) Is there a doctor here?

The crowd is silent. If there is a doctor in the audience they do not want to own up. Suddenly the back drop of the stage is completely smashed as a great big flying motorbike flies into view.

Hagrid: Jump aboard Harry and Sophie I will take you to the hospital wing at Hogwarts under the best nurse, Madam Popfrey, Hogwarts has ever seen.

Harry drags his dying wife onto the motor bike and Hagrid revs up the engine.

Meanwhile the stalker mad girl has made a run for it and is legging it to the back of the hall to make a nifty escape. Coincidently drunk on Appletinis Abi is parading about and blocking the exit so the stalker cannot leave and the SAS men have time to restrain her with their fluffy pink handcuffs.

Inside the hospital wing Madam Popfrey has done her magic (quite literally) and Sophie is coming forth.

Sophie: (confused) where am I?

Harry: Back at Hogwarts petal, you are going to be alright.

Sophie: You kissed a man!

Harry: Correction a BOY kissed me and to be honest it was very nice, it was very teethy!

Sophie: Harry I love you.

Harry: I love you too. TO THE NEAREST BROOM CUPBOARD!!

THE END.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

47 readers are online right now!

Go to top