Written by Stefano M. Stefano
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Saturday, 5 April 2008

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Citizens, politicians, scientists, and the press of the world were gathered today for a press conference in Toronto, Canada, to witness the arrival of a man claiming to be a time traveller.

Wearing a simple ensemble of blue shirt, blue jeans, and cheap $9 running shoes from Wal-Mart, 47-year old Danforth A. Callahan has ostensibly travelled to April 5, 2008 to warn the peoples of the Earth of future perils we're about to endure.

"I've lived through many days in my life," Callahan claimed. "Some good, some bad. Some sunny, some rainy. Some snowy, some with noisey neighbours and their Justin Timberlake voodoo music. Some with an itch that won't go away, and some with an itch that becomes infected. Some with--"

I stopped him there and asked for other details of his extraordinary voyage through time, starting with; where did he come from? He drew himself up to his full height, looked us all in the eye, and whispered dramatically,

"April fourth. Two thousand. And eight!"

The collected mass of humanity released a resounding, "HUH?!"

Callahan continued, "Long ago, perhaps as long ago as yesterday, I was a young man. A much younger man than what you see standing before you. I had dreams, aspirations, an itch that wouldn't go away. I sought out a better world, and a way to lead humanity towards that single goal. And I did so with an incredible time machine of my own purchasing."

"Don't you mean 'constructing' or 'inventing'?" I asked him.

"No, purchasing is right. I bought it at Sears for just $850. After the delivery man dropped it off at my house, I covered it in a special layer of material, lay my head down, and automatically lowered my life processes so that I could trvael into the future, as you see me standing here."

"You mean you bought a bed, went to sleep, woke up--" I began, only to be interrupted.

"--and found myself in the future! I have literally crossed the time barrier!"

"We all did that!" I argued.

"You mean you all have flux capacitors?" Callahan wondered.

Everyone began to leave then, except for me, leaving me to ask an astounded Danforth A. Callahan if he could go backwards in time. He returned my question with a sour expression, and an indignant,

"Don't be crazy, man! Everybody knows that's impossible! Sears can only deliver their time machines in the future, not the past! Sheesh!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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