Written by Sophie Jayne
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Friday, 4 April 2008

image for An Interview With Emma Watson Hermione the witch.

After interviewing two of the Hogwarts threesome I felt it only rude not to complete the set, so here goes my interview with Emma Watson AKA Miss Know It All Hermione Granger.

Hearing of Emma's druggie habits from both Rupert and Daniel, I decided that I better choose the location for our little chat, I didn't want to end up in some crack den.

I met Emma in a respectable wine bar. She arrived dress head to toe in expensive designer clothes with her hair curled to perfection and I soon realised that she really is as breathtakingly beautiful as the guys say. A second later though this is ruined when she pulls up a chair and begins to arrange a line of a some questionable powder.

Me: Erm Emma I don't think you can do that in here.

Emma: Oh soz yeah I didn't think, I ll just finish off.

I watch the young star as she begins to inhale and sniff. what an interesting interview this is going to be.

After some time she clears it away and we begin.

So how is life treating you?

Good. Now I am rich enough to afford all the stuff I want (unfortunately we don't think she is talking about cars and clothes). And the surgery is keeping me looking younger, so when I lie about my age people actually believe me that I am 18.

Oh, how old are you then?

45 of course. I don't know why I am telling you this I am suppose to keep it quiet, it is part of my contract, don't know what is coming over me (we might have a clue). So yeah when I was 38 they said they wanted me to play Hermione as I was Hermioney but the only problem was I was too old so I have been having surgery for the last 7 years.

Anymore secrets to tell us?

Not really. In less you don't know that I am Daniel Radcliffe's mum, but everyone knows that.

But hang on didn't you sleep with Daniel?

I sleep with a lot of people, it is all a blur, possibly I did. If I did he wasn't that good. Voldermort was better.

Oh okk....so what are you going to do next then?

I was thinking of going for apart of a 7 year old girl, I think I could just about pull that off...

But before she can explain she falls backwards onto the floor. In minutes there is a crowd of people around her. It seems like the young(or maybe not so young) actress has collapsed due to a drug overdose.

Quickly she is rushed off to hospital and I am left alone in the bar mulling over what she has just said. Is she really a middle aged woman who has undergone a hell of a lot of surgery? Is she the true mother of Daniel Radcliffe? Who knows, but don't worry, I WILL get to the bottom of this, it is going to be a tough job because the Harry Potter stars are so rich and influential and could easyily send a hitman after me as I unearth their secrets in my quest for the for the truth, but nevertheless honesty will prevail!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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