Written by Sophie Jayne
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Wednesday, 2 April 2008

image for An Interview With Daniel Radcliffe. Back in the day when he didn't chase whores and show off his 'manly apparatus' in public.

I meet Daniel, star of the immensely popular Harry Potter series in a bar of his choice. To be bluntly honest it looks a bit rough and I am uncomfortable, though I can see why the young actor would enjoy visiting here. What with all the girls in low tops and skirts that some would mistake as belts.

Radcliffe arrives late, dressed in a smart suit, somehow looking out of place in this backstreet boozer. He goes to the bar and orders 'his usual' and then begins to pinch the arse of several 'ladies' before I have to rudely interrupt him and remind him that we have an appointment. He apologies, but not before slipping his number into the nearest whores DD bra.

He pulls up a bar stool and our interview begins.

So Daniel you have been in the lime light ever since you were 11, how has that affected your growing up.

Dan: Come on, I am richer than most 18 year olds in the world and I have all the girls I could want (winks at a nearby slut) My life is perfection and so am I.

Right, but you must be under some pressure with filming for the next Harry Potter film?

Dan: No not really I am freaking Harry Potter, If I don't turn up or I have an off day they can't fire me because I am what makes those films.

Well yes but there must be some pressure being such a big role model to so many fans.

Dan: At first I really tried to keep a squeaky clean reputation but then I though fuck it I am who I am and if fans don't like it they can find someone else to idolise. Yes I do drugs, yes I shag ten different girls a night, yes I drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney, but so what?

At this point Daniel lights five cigarettes and puffs away at them all at once and doesn't even stop when I begin to cough and splutter subtly.

So what is it like being adored my millions of girls around the world?

Dan: Oh great. I only have two conditions, no fat ones and no ugly ones.

So the rumours are not true about you and Emma Watson, you are single?

Dan: There are a lot of beautiful girls in this world and a lot of me to go around. The rumours about me and Emma are true, yes I have had her but we are not exclusive and she is not that good anyway.

Are you ever planning on settling down?

Dan: Hell Yeah I want a wife and kids and shit, but not yet I am young and I am bloody Gorgeous so at the moment I am having my fun, but one day I ll do all that stuff.

So who would your perfect wife be then?

Dan: Well obviously she would have to be a looker, I mean I ll have to wake up to her every morning and she would have to be fertile, I want lots and lots of Daniel juniors but apart from that I am open to any offers, in fact you are pretty hot, what do you say?

Ok, changing the subject, what is next for Daniel Radcliffe?

Dan: I want to do lots more films, you know I think that if I work really hard people will except me as more than just Harry, but I don't care about that stuff, all I care about is you sugar plum. so will you be mine?

erm, so what was it like appearing naked on stage?

Dan: yeah it was great, my manly apparatus got lots of compliments, I can show you if you like...

Daniel then starts to unbuckle his belt and I am force to terminate the interview and run as far away from him as possible, one of the whores can have him.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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