Forget your commonly-held vision of the stereotypical guru, that smartass from India, who has been a guide to the rich and famous so much in the past 50 years. We all remember Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and how he helped the Beatles and other celebs fight off their demons and start charting a better course for these spoiled gazillionaires.
Well, as Gomer Pyle, USMC, would say, "Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!" Enter esteemed Rabbi Nathan Josselstein Horowitz of Crown Heights, Brooklyn, NYC, New York, an "occasional" Hasidic Rabbi--you know, The Men in Black, with the long coats, so that they can destroy Right Guard and Sure molecules in a NYC Summer! And, he's an official Guru, too! Maazel tov(congratulations)!
It seems that Mr. Eliot Spitzer, now ex-Governor of New York State, has been required by wife Silda (not even Jewish, mind you!) to engage the bigshot Rabbi in Spitzer's 5th Avenue apartment to help him clean up his act. Silda has reamed Eliot for breaking half of the 10 Commandments. Apparently, Charlton Heston, as Moses, never had any influence on the horny ex-Governor.
To avoid splitsville, Silda conferred with her Chimp Guru, of the same name, at NYC's Central Park Zoo and only then did the disgraced governor agree to finally see the almost-retired Guru-Rabbi. And, this "John" Spitzer is also very worried about his $500 miilion in the bank, wanting it all for himself!
So the boy went through 2 days of intense "Tribalism," although the Rabbi said, "Sorry Eliot, I have looked for the missing 10 tribes and no luck." (Another time, my friends, on this one!)
Here's what insiders found out about Eliot's conversion to decency:
He was finally Bar Mitzvahed (a confirmation to manhood), but got no presents, except for one from a Ms. Ashley A. Dupre. Coincidence?
The Guru-Rabbi asked in private..."So, you married a shiksa,(a non-Jew)...good in bed? Ah, just curious! And Kristen was traif (not kosher)! You ate that meat!!!? By the way, was it any good? You know, once in a blue moon, I sneak a little pork. But, we're here about you, my son...and keep that pork thing between us guys!"
Then, Spitzer was briefed on half of the 10 Commandments and came out a learned and decent man after 2 difficult days. As his Guru-Rabbi consulted with him on each relevant Commandment:
You shall not break the Sabbath--"You M-F! No more traveling Friday night or Saturday before sundown sniffing for strange snatch." Spitzer: "Yes, Guru-Rabbi!"
You shall not dishonor your parents---"You M-F! You stinking asswipe! You have caused great tsouris (worry) for your parents. You've digraced them. Break this one, boy, and you will no longer get hard and even Viagra won't work!" A nod of yes from Spitzer.
You shall not commit adultery! "You damned M-F! Try this again and play with that Ashley Mashley, especially--hey, I like her myself--nice boobs--good lay?--and you are a dead guy. You do her again and you will no longer have fluid! You know what I mean!" Spitzer nodded yes, again.
You shall not steal--"You M-F! Steal from the campaign money box! You double M-F! Do not treat the great Horowitz with disdain. Do this again and your testicles will shrivel to the size of peas." A trembling yes from Spitzer on this one.
You shall not covet. "M-F! Oy vey. I was afraid this was the last one. Eliot, this is all you do. Stop with this covetting shtick. It's over. Concentrate on the wife, my son. A little road wear, but plank her every so often. I swear on Nathan's hot dogs, if you covet one more time, your penis will fall off! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (now, the Guru-Rabbi is rolling on the floor) "Sorry, up there...got carried away!!!" Eliot agrees again to this fifth and final promulgation!
"Now, Mr. Eliot Spitzer, you have the Wisdom of the Ages. No more strange poontang! Mind you, the Wisdom itself, relies on your keeping that zipper up. And, only I, the great "Guru-Rabbi Horowitz" can redeem you! And, I, unfortunately, was a bit remiss in developing a replacement...you know...that indespensibility shtick! So, I have no understudy. Pee Wee Herman keeps asking, but I answer, 'Maybe later, when you stop pleasuring yourself.' Believe me, it's very tough to get good help these days in guruism!
So, you are cured. You are a mensch (a humane human being), and you just need to pay me the tab before I leave for Cancun. And, that will only be $20,000. Good wisdom is no longer cheap, my son. And, if you're short on cash, just ask the wife. Rich gentile family...right?!"