A few weekends ago at the spacious Hollywod Hills home of Jim Carry and Carrie Carry, the high rollers of Tinsel Town (we mean Hollywood, as with the Hollywod Sign!), mostly Jewish producers and directors, met to map out a strategy of getting the moviegoing audiences back into the theaters. Heavy tolls have been exacted on moviehouse revenues by DVD rentals, knockoff DVDs, Internet broadcasts, illegal copying, and other piracies of one kind or another. Recognizable names as Spielbreg, Lucass, Corwin, Brooks, Allen and a bunch of other cigar-chomping studio 'machers' (bigshots) want their moneysworth.
They first decided on film genres that would draw the 18-35-year old movie audiences back into theaters. These represent the core of moviegoers. Specific genres seem to be the tragets.
We present results:
Slice and Dice Flicks---These are the staple of the younger end of the 18-35s. Agreed: Stack up these bloodies with more slicing, dicing, stabbing, axing, blunt force trauma, gunshot, shotgun blasts, acid baths, stun guns, tasers , semi and automatic weapons, and severed limbs/heads to heighten the thrill. Get revamped quickly with cheap unknown actors, such as Palsy Trudeau from Canada and milk the crowds. Crank out two of these spilled-guts, white-knuckled low budgets every week.
The Chick Flick Into Bed Movies--Every guy wants to get laid, but the honies STILL hide the treasure box. It's still the old 3-date and now I've-gotcha-in-the-sack-syndrome. The gals keep holding back the prize. No guy wants to deal with this crap. The solution is to use all young starlets and young studs and to put Hugh Granite into every flick, as long as he's not getting a BJ on the Sunset Strip. We want "Syrup and Tears" (S&T) jammed into the ladies heads with the heroine dieing off without geting laid enough. Guilt trip put on a date! Make the macho guy date cry, so a drop off of a female date at her place is an invitation, "Would you like to come in for coffee?" (Of course, the guy's frothing at the mouth and with painful rocks from trying to go up her leg all night at the movie theater, with better 'blocking moves' on her part than the New York Giants at the Super Bowl!) Of course, you can say, once inside her place, he's in!
The Big Detective Story. All period pieces. Put Jack Nickerson in all, even at age 85. He'll still curse a blue streak. Develop a kinky story of incest and worse. Bring back the fat Katlin Turner and give her breathing oxygen, so she can do her lines.
The Panoramic/Period Movie---The Old West, Old New York City, Old London; everybody wants the good old days, even if killing is rampant.
The Spaced-Out Monster Movie--The "Ahnold" type where he comes back and you can't kill him except by acidentally discovering that Clorex bleach will do the trick. Needs new special effects for jaded 14 year olds. Here's where Lucass does his thing. Freddy, Michael Meyers, Jason, and Leatherface will bring 'em back to see ripping flesh and spurting red stuff.
The Aging Actor Flick---Get ma, pa grandma, and grandpa to a flick. Make sure they don't snore. Dust off Henry Fonda flicks...and Jane's about had it, also! N. Vietnam skenk?
Remake City---Remake every movie ever done in all genres. Just knock 'em out as fast as possible. Ignore acting ability. Just crank 'em out!
Mobsters-Shmobsters---They want superiority, money, women, booze and they use evey gimmick. Scarface, Al Pachinko, comes back as the twin of the brother pancaked by a steam roller. Not for the squeamish. 'American Psycho' buffs: you'll love these flicks.
The Dumbo Continuatorio--- à la Roger Rabbit, Shrek, The Lion King, Horton Hears a Whore...great for those under 6 and moron adults, who've matured to age 8, at most.
Hottie Girl Time---Previously called XXX-Rated, but those are already in every home of the 'milk and cookies' mom and dad set, needing a real turn-on after 7 years of marriage. Flash all the sex you can, short of closeup mixed anatomies. Great for horny couples, especially teens, who are newly-discovering the differences in the dark.
Historical/Documetary Dulls---'Gladiator' and its ilk. Researchers pushing hard to find new battles to stage using computer graphics. So big deal, Davy Crokett was excuted at The Alamo. At least, they rent cars with that name. Give us a feakin' break. Also music bios are equally boring.
The Country Sexumentality Movies---Mosty Country and Western dudes and gals singing about lust, fornication, redneck brother/sister marriages, and allegiance to the Stars and Bars. Good for ramshackled drive-ins still existing in Alabama and Mississippi!
Coke and Smoke---The necessary drug movies for the whacked out crowd, especially young attorneys. Yeah, yeah, drugs cause grief, pile it on, so they leave the theater in stunned silence. Common hackneyed remark, "the ending was so sad...boo-hoo!" Another good comment. When heard, sack her asap!
Comedy Let Loosest---coeds with raging hormones; Camerin Diats' female friend giving it up, then getting married; National Harpoon's Omaha vacation; Girls Gone Berserk; oddball flicks, such as 'Leaving Earth, Hello Mars!'
A catch-all category for the dunce theater goers who'll watch any crap.
It's A War Out There Flicks---Chronicles wars everywhere, such as the "80-Year Iraqi War" and fights over turnip fields between Brazil and Argentina. Not for the faint hearted. Extensive close-ups of heads blown apart by M-16 rifles.
New CartoonsCapades---New characters, as Lucky Lukiano, Scott Peterbone, and Assley Alexandra Dupre make these cartoons great fun for the kids you must drag to the movie house.
Well, there's the focus of the major studio people for categories of films over the next 10 years.
At the end of the Conference, President Bush called and talked to Mr. Spielbreg imploring him to put 'The Pet Goat' into The Dumbo Continuatorio category. Then, Spielbreg just kept shouting, "Hey, does anyone know a twit G.W. Bush? No, OK! Sorry sir, get lost!"
(reported by the Screen Actors Guild, Local 223)