The Inside Simon Report...issued sporadically to those with a need to know
So you think our First Lady, Laura Bush, 61, has been a bit on the sidelines with respect to her husband George's responsibilities? And, you think she is consumed with the education of our youth? Yes, friends, they're both true. But, here's one thing you didn't know. Our First Lady has been burning the midnight oil for the past year, secretly working on a business plan for a concept called "Laura's Learning," a business that she is confident will bloom after Georgie Boy leaves office in January, 2009.
OK, back to my incredible discovery. As the First Lady is well acquainted with and friends of the wives of many prominent politicians and international dignitaries from all corners of the Globe, what better thing to do than to help these women in their daily uneventful lives? After all, their hubbies spend inordinate numbers of hours on the affairs of state, use up hours when travelling, and are busy with neverending social and politcal functions. Such an array of wifely hardship leads to daily boredom, totally tending to children without the father's help, and trying to mingle to develop friendships in order to shrink the number of hubbyless hours.
Then, bingo, Laura's light bulb goes off: since the men are doing it, why not the women? So Ms. Bush has developed a unique and unheard of post-White House, First Lady "pleasure business."
Next piece...Starting April, 2007 and continuing, operatives of the totally Clandestine Democratic Fanatics (CDF), a zealous Democratic Party splinter group, has sought revenge on President Bush for all his blunders, especially the Iraq War and the economy...and, the Republicans' targeting of "Bubba" Bill Clinton after he "shlonged" Monica Lewinsky repeatedly in the White House.
What CDF has learned is that Laura Bush, who would never be suspected of doing anything bad, except, perhaps, for baking up a burnt batch of chocolate chip cookies, is orchestrating development of a front organization to launder money in a sex-for-hire business. Under the pretense of educating older women in an "extended university," she is actually going to provide the many friends she now has from George's two Presidencies with male flesh...young male flesh, 20-25 years old. Hunks! Her business would better be called Laura's Boy Toys.
Escorts will provide the frustrated women with the "pleasures" denied them by their busy husbands. We're talking about women generally ages 40 through 75. Basically, for a fee of $15,000 a day, Ms. Bush and associates will provide Boy Toy "opportunities" for these love-starved, sophisticated women. Laura's Learning is thus just a front for these neglected wives to libidinously enjoy having a hunk and being satisfied, as if they're first dating and shacking up for a hot weekend. The Boy Toys will be Ivy League-college educated, worldy, with Greco-Roman chiseled faces, washboard abs, and, overall, the likes of what you might see in GQQ magazine.
CDF has no concrete evidence at this time, but through many illegal phone taps, in which Ms. Bush and her three partners have discussed the operation in some sort of code, they are 80% of the way to launching their endeavor. It was firmly decided that all Boy Toys must be Ivy League graduates and "voraciously out for stud."
The First Lady apparently said in one conversation, that "my moron of a husband, who can't catch that raghead (an apparent reference to Osama bin Laden), can read 'The Pet Goat' in his Presidential Library, color with crayons, and try to write a few books with a ghostwriter, although he hasn't an idea in his empty head. But, I'm not sitting by anymore, while I get all that ridicule over 8 years of Bushy and that cardiofreak Cheney!" And, seemingly referring to very recent events, Ms. Bush went on, "If an A(probably meaning Ashley)can bring that state guy to his knees, we deserve equal time."
In my opinion friends, CDF will make no attempt to reveal any of its findings. After all, she is the First Lady, it has no hard evidence, it has violated the law through illegal wiretaps, and it is using embezzled Democratic National Committee money to fund its operations. And, the last thing the Dems want is another Watergate!
The closest they have to Ms. Bush's plan is a taped conversation between the First Lady and a major Hollywood actress-partner, in which the First Lady bragged, "Just wait until the D of X gets a nice BT in some inconspicuous LN and has S as never before and for TFD!" Cryptographic analysis provides the following best decode:
"Just wait until the Dutchess of ? gets a nice Boy Toy in some inconspicuous Love Nest and has Sex as never before and for Two Full Days!"
Jackson K. Simon