WARNING: Do not begin unless you intend to finish. Failure to complete this article may result in severe consequences. Purpose cannot be reached unless read all the way through. Article may not be suitable for old people, stupid people or anyone who cares for children in any type of way.
Children are stupid. They are not "cute" or "adorable"-- they are disgusting chunks of meat whose only purpose in life is to give innocent and perfect beings, such as myself (and possibly others) migraines. Children are like lumps of playdough. Worthless, Irresponsible, ugly lumps of playdough.
If you or anyone you know has ever made the fatal mistake of being in the presence of, or having children--this guide is for you.
For most people reading this-- you have not hit that bump in the road--but for those who have...keep reading. Now you can throw away all your dumbass "How to be A Better Parent" magazines because you will not need anything but the words that follow.
Stage 1. It's Born.
This is your fault. This could have been avoided 9 months ago. But no. You just had to keep your fucking legs open. What the hell is wrong with you people? Now look what you did. Next time say "NO". Ladies--he only wants to fuck you and brag about it with his idiot friends. Guy's--she's gonna take half of everything you own, make you pay for everything like it's all your fault and bitch about stupid shit.
Stage 2. It's still living.
Now you either have two options:
1. Kill it.
2. Keep reading.
Now since I know most of you dumbasses are all "killing children is bad", I'll do you a favor and keep writing.
Stage 3. It begins to make unnecessary noises all the time.
You will experience great head pains during this stage. Children love to cry, shit, breath and annoy any living thing in their presence. They survive on your anguish. You must teach the little shits who's boss. The second they stop crying, shitting, breathing and annoying the fuck out of you--you do it to them. For example: when they are "sleeping like angel's", get as close as possible and cry your ass off. You may also try a different variety of techniques such as:
1. Yell as loud as you can when they avert their attention from you even for a split second.
2. Start to cry when they are about to relax.
3. Don't stop crying.
4. Take away anything that keeps it happy (Example: Fingers).
5. Eat something then throw it up all over its face.
6. Wake it up.
7. Keep it awake.
Stage 4. It begins to feel emotion much more intensely.
During this stage you will observe your little bastards smiling, giggling, dancing, laughing and being all around happy. DO NOT KEEP YOUR BASTARDS HAPPY. This is a deadly mistake all dumbasses make. Keeping your bastards happy will lead to them thinking they are loved. Doing this will only keep the little shits attached to you.
I advise punching them in the face whenever they attempt to make eye-contact. This is guaranteed to keep them unhappy.
Keeping your little shit unhappy is something the mainstream media will advise you against. The reason for this is because in today's world peoples brains are filled with cow manure. You can see evidence of this by watching television, taking a trip down to the local mall, driving through Martin Luther King Jr. street, or just by going anywhere you presume the little shits will appear. For example, just yesterday I saw this commercial for that craphole McDonald's with three little shits eating their fucking happy meals, laughing at that child molester because he was making faces. OK--here are the mistakes:
1) The children are eating at McDonald's.
What the fuck is wrong with people nowadays? Now I am not going to say "DO NOT FEED CHILDREN". That would be cruel and unusual. However--your children should not be taken OUT to eat ANYWHERE. IF you are one of those "I have to feed my children" pussy's, I suggest giving your children bread once or twice a day through a trap door--just enough to keep em' breathing. Taking your children out will result in them having something to look forward too. WRONG.
2) The children are laughing.
This just shows how fucking useless children are these days. They were laughing at the molester because he was making faces. That's fucking stupid. That is how useless they are--that's all they can do--laugh. Useless little shits. It amazes how content children are with their pathetic excuse for a life. They see something--then they laugh at it--and that's it, that's their life. I don't laugh when I see Ronald McDonald-- If he ever made a face at me, I would impale him with a fucking Samurai sword...then laugh.
3) The little bastards in the commercial were together.
We will get to this at stage 6.
Stage 5. It will now begin to communicate using some form of earthy language.
CAUTION: Children will now be able to use your language against you.
Unfortunately, children are like sponges and learn from what they observe. The only way to keep your little shit from speaking any type of language is either:
A: Hard blow to the left temporal lobe.
B: Keep it in a cage, in a basement with sound proof walls to prevent any leakage of humanly language.
C. Kill it.
...and since most of you dumbasses are against A, B and C...it looks like your little shits are gonna be speaking.
At this stage your little bastard will try to use words to extract some type of positive humanly response from everyone. Example:
Little Shit: "I loves you mommy!"
This is disgusting. EVERYTHING that comes out of a child's mouth is disgusting. Notice how the the sentence above is gramatically incorrect. The word "love" is plural. Any normal person would know the correct sentence is "I love you mommy!". Dumb little shit. I should also add the fact that it's using the word love in a positive context. Children should not know how to do that.
Little Shit: "I loves you mommy!"
Dumbass mother: "Aww--I love you too honey."
This is the normal responce a dumbass parent would say. Here is how the conversation should really look like:
Little Shit: "I loves you mommy"
Parent: "EXCUSE ME!? What the FUCK did you just say to me!? You love me!? LOVE ME!? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU TRY TO CONVERSATE WITH ME!? I WILL NEVER LOVE YOU. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. You remind me of shit! SHIT. FUCKING SHIT. Just being in the same universe as you makes me constipated."
This is how an educated parent should respond. The dumbass mother in the first example was only supporting the childs belief that its mother feels a positive emotion torwards it. WRONG.
Stage 6. It will now begin to relate to other its.
This is the stage that most dumbass parents don't avoid but easily could have. At all costs, do not let your little shit meet other little shits. Here are a couple excuses I hear from dumbass parents all the time:
1. "What about school?"
Why the fuck would you send your child to school? Remember the child is only an inconvenience to your life and you are doing everything possible to make it less of a annoyance and burden. However, if you are forced to place your child in some type of learning facility I suggest some type of foreign boarding school where your child is likley to encounter dangerous obstacles such as difficult tests, bitchy teachers, uncomfortable beds and Lord Voldemort. This way your little shit will not have time for other little shits.
Though seriously--a solution to this problem is "home schooling". Sign it up, then back into the cage it goes. Simple. Done.
2. "What about his/her friends?"
Are you fucking kiding me? Why the hell would you want you little bitch to have friends? Friends are a BIG No No! The last thing you want is your bastard having someone they feel they can talk to. Before you know it your little shit is having a gay ol' time with other little shits--screaming, running, smiling--ugh. This is making me sick. ABSOLUTELY NO FRIENDS ALLOWED. Remember the "KEEP YOUR BASTARDS UNHAHPPY" rule. Having friends, will in fact, make them happy.
If your child should try to make contact with other infidel children I suggest either:
A: Kill any little shit your child has any positive feelings for, in turn making the child feel guilty, ultimately leading to its suicide.
B: Tell your child if they even make eye-contact with another little fuck--you will then recieve the right to shorten their meal plan.
C: Cage. Remember--isolation is key.
Basically, the only thing worse than one little Timmy is two or more little Timmy's. The problem is that now your little shit has someone to relate too. Having someone to relate to only accesses feelings of positive emotion. WRONG.
Stage 7. It will now be mature and smart enough to manipulate the enviornment.
I would personally suggest leaving the child in the cage, but if you are too much of a pussy to do that you may let it out. At this stage your child will now be old enough to almost function properly.
Now that you let your kid out of it's cage you have a bunch of other shit to deal with.
1. By all means DO NOT let your child watch any television or even find out what television is. You will be stuck hearing fucking Barney all day. Children love Barney. For those of you who do not know, Barney is this fat gorilla who goes around singing and smiling, telling children he loves them. He is a child molester as well. Children who watch barney when they are young turn out to be either gay or theatre freaks.
2. DO NOT let your child anywhere near a computer. Children love to touch anything bright and fancy looking. If your child is let anywhere near a computer it will only bring you new computer bills due to the prior computer blowing up after the little shit made contact.
3. DO NOT let your little shit play video games. Video games are fun. NO FUN.
4. DO NOT let your child sleep on a matress. Matresses are soft. NO SOFT.
5. DO NOT allow your bastard to go to any restaurant facility (Please see my previous entry). Children should be strictly forbidden from any type of enviornment that involves common sense.
6. NO pets. Pets are fun. Remember, if anything he/she is the pet in your household.
7. NO Movies. Movies are fun. Movies will only spark their imaginations. When children use their imaginations they are mentally taking themselves out of your perfect haven.
8. DO NOT let your son of a bitch go outside. Your neighbors will start to wonder who that kid is, and might call child services if they suspect something--like he was locked in a cage in your basement.
9. NO presents on Christmas. In fact, tell it Jesus loves everyone--but since it is an it and not a someone--Jesus does not love it.
10. No trick-or-treating on Halloween. Candy tastes good. NO CANDY.
11. No food on Thanksgiving. Tell it the only thing it should be thankful for is your care and hospitality.
12. And and partraige in a pair of tree.
The point of I'm trying to make here is fairly simple. Find out what could passibly make your bitch happy--then take it away. Taking away happiness from a child creates anguish, depression and extreme bordom. A bored child is a quite child. RIGHT.
Stage 8. It will now being to create its own unnecessary opinions.
At this stage the little shits mouths will move, and words, which the bastards think have some apparent significant meaning, will be created.
There are two types of opinions children have.
1. Insignificant. A insignificant opinion is an opinion which does not affect you in any type way or form.
2. Significant. A significant opinion is an opinion which does affect you.
Little Shit:" Mommy! I like the Peace Core--I want to join!"
This is a insignificant opinion. Your little shit has just wasted five minutes of your valuable life. Shame on it.
Other common insignificant statements are:
1. "I think the sky is pretty."
2. "My favorite Power Ranger is the White Ranger."
3. "I wanna go on that ride."
4. "I don't wanna watch this."
5. "I'm bleeding internally."
6. "I want the new Playstation 3 for Christmas."
7. "I like ponys."
8. "I think you're pretty mom." (you already know that)
9. "I want the green lolly pop." (What children want is very insignificant)
10. "I can't breath."
11. "I don't want to."
The statements above do not help you or make you look good in any way. After the unnecessary statement either answer your little shit (See example under Stage 5), or continue with whatever you were doing as if nothing happened.
Little Shit: "Mom! I think that man is trying to kill us with that really big machete!"
This is a significant opinion. These type of opinions either help you or make you look good. In this case your little shit is warning you of an attack. It's finally useful somehow. IF your little shit should actually use the exact quote above-- quickly pick it up or run behind it and use it as a shield.
Other common significant opinions/statements are:
1. "I think that truck is getting bigger."
2. "We're on top of train tracks mom."
3. "I think that man in the dark shady looking corner, holding a .22 caliber is hot."
4. "Dad! I think mom's home!"
5. "Dad! I don't think mom is taking those pills anymore."
These are some examples of significant words which may be produced through a childs mouth. If anything--this is the only reason they are useful. However--we all know we wouldn't be in danger if we didn't have children in the first place. So they're back to being useles fucks once again.
Stage 9.It will now think it knows everything.
Something important to remember at this stage is that the little shit knows nothing. It knows nothing and you know everything. You're better, faster, stronger, smarterer and cooler. Don't let it ever make you think different.
Little Shit: "Dad, normal people don't put their kids inside a cage!"
This is an example of a little shit thinking to know something. Everyone knows that all good parents place their animals inside cages. See? That stupid little shit was trying to manipulate you. It now deserves 10 beatings after it's crucifiction. YOU obviously know what your doing. I mean, hello? Your reading THIS guide. THIS guide knows how to do children. Damn.
Allowing your child to think it's right will only raise its self-- esteem and boast its confidence for future mind usage. WRONG.
Stage 10. Your little shit will slowly become evil.
After stage 9 your child will slowly become EVIL. It's eyes will slowly become red, start using a language you never even heard of and will be able to vanish out of thin air. Pretty soon it will start to think you were a horrible parent and use its EVIL powers against you. It might lift you 66 feet into the air then drop you head first using its telepathic powers--or it might send your straight to hell for no good reason.
Quick! You must act fast. Remember--the little shit hates you for some odd reason and will try to kill you. You must follow these steps in order to survive.
1. Find a creepy looking bedroom with a lot of dark corners.
2. Tie your little shit to the bed.
3. Call up your local priest.
4. Have him preform a creppy exorcism which makes smoke appear out of thin air.
5. Ask the demon to nicley "get the fuck out of my little bastard".
The demon should now be gone. If your child's eyes are no longer red and it's speaking normally you have accomplished the mission. However-- if those symptoms have not dissapeared then you must take drastic action.
1. Fill the bathroom tub with cold holy water.
2. Turn off the lights for dramatic effect.
3. Take your child and hold it underwater until it stops struggling.
The demon is gone. Demons cannot stand cold water (especially cold holy water). They live in hell so the cold holy water was obviously a natural repellent.
Congratulations! You have successfully vanquished the demon. There is still one more step to ensure the demon does not return. Read the following aloud:
I AM A DUMBASS
Yes, that is correct. YOU, are in fact, a dumbass. Your child has drowned and is now dead. There was never a demon inside your childs body. What made you think that? The red eyes? The new language? Vanishing out of thin air?
Well, you see, after all those years of unthinkable abuse, your innocent child turned to marijuana which everyone knows, causes red eyes--the new language is called IM-ing (lol) and as for the vanishing out of thin air? Well of course your little shit is gonna sneak out after the way you treated it.
You have just rid the world of another dumbass such as yourself. Thank you for your services.
P.S. - You are a horrible parent.