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Wednesday, 12 March 2008

image for Paraphernalia4your genitalia: The New Vatican Sin List Pope Ratzinger demonstrates the full body condom condemned in Chapter I of the New encyclical

Dear P4YG, I have been an obedient and scrupulously neu-erotic Roamin' catholic for many years. The new Vatican document, Dicendi Sexualis Excitiendibus, makes mention of many new sinful ways to violate the sixth commandment. I have tried to translate the latin footnotes but am still in a quandary about these sins and how to acquire, I mean, avoid these near occasions of sin. Might you be able to inform me? Sleepless in Siena

Dear SIS, Fear not, P4YG knows of many Catholic nuns who need it bad(answers, I mean). Most Vatican cognoscenti have revealed that the new document has been ghost authored by online confessor AskFrFred44Giveness, the pseudonym for the pseudopriest Fr Frederick the Great Titslesin, famous for being the chaplain to many Neo-Nazi groups around the globe. All of Freddie's Fetishes (the title of his ghost-authored sex guide under the pseudonym, Freddie the Freeloader) have found their way onto the new sin list. His fascination with sex toys(chapter IX), the G-Spot that has often got a gee whiz out of the old pervert( Chapter II) and of course his now infamous obsession with mutual oral sex( Chapter LXIX).

The evidence that has Vatican watchers convinced that this document comes from the loins of Freddie is the frequent mention of sado-masochism. Vatican sexual morality voyeur( I mean, Moral theologian) Msgr Fisheye Fellini has commented in an article in the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Rectum(Observations of the Right) that Freddie's signature perversion is pain:" The sick fuck loves to inflict pain, especially on innocent people. It's clearly his way of creating new Christs in the world. Maybe in some twisted way he hopes these new tortured saviors might save him."

But on to your query, the cock-ring mentioned in Chapter III "The Sin of Prolonged Orgasm" can be acquired from C-R's R Us for $22.50. The Clitoral vibrator attachment nearly doubles the price but as Mrs F R from Tucson, Az commented in the "Catholicker","Tis as good as it gets!" The Spanish Inquisition Whips and Chains with special Torrequemada barbs can be gotten from Freddie's own S-M website: IF'EDTOMR.PIG.The waterboarding kit that comes in for especial recommend...,I mean, condemnnation from the Holy See is available from BUYOURBAPTISMFROMUS.Cheney.Bush. Hope these tips are some help to you, SIS. happy Catholicking! P4YG

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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