Written by Zander Kaufman
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Wednesday, 12 May 2004

image for Never met a Southerner I liked

It seems to me every time I go just south of my mail box every morning I start to panic.
Southerners “Suth-un-ners“, I cant stand them. Now please not get me wrong I like the south and its people. I’m not talking about people that happen to live in the south, they are tolerable. No. I’m talking about real true to life southerners.

A real southerner might tell you we don’t hate “our” black people. Because we take good care of “our” black people. Did you happen to catch the world “our”?
Now I could say we take care of our lakes and ponds and not mean anything by it. But the last time I checked “our” black people weren’t for sale.

Next, lets burn the southern flag!, now don’t get jumpy my fellow southern counterparts, if I can burn an American flag, I sure as hell can burn yours. I’ve seen you burn plenty union and early American flags at your civil war pageants you put on.

And speaking of playing dress up, would you do me the favor of not playing these stupid war games? You lost the last time I checked. We the north (the other white meat) kicked your ass, you lost, the end.

And another thing why do I have to listen to your moppy country music every time I get just south of Missouri? If you agree that rap music has a negative effect of “your” black people. Then what in the hell does country do to you? Think about it.

NASCAR. Wow now this one really boggles my brain, here’s what you have done, I shall now break it down for you. About oh say 1950 which was about the time you southerners could finely afford an automobile.

Like every thing else you had, took it to the edge. What was then called drunken stupor driving is now a sport called NASCAR racing. All you have done is brought it onto a track and gave everyone a seatbelt and make sure they make left turns and then charged admission. Instead of drunken driver's we now have drunken fans and bystanders.

So inclosing these are just a few and I mean only a few reasons why I can't stand true southerners. Come on Billy-Bob-Joe-Danny-Frank do me a favor and step into the light.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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