Written by Narwina Clark
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Wednesday, 27 February 2008

image for Kate Bosworth is a Prisoner Dr. Frag Haggy

Kate Bosworth is a prisoner. It's a guilded cage for sure, but she's a prisoner. The starlet of Blue Crush has become a pawn in the hands of a mysterious and powerful woman. That woman by the name of Robin Baum (know as Darth Baum to many) has her under her thumb and forces her to portray a certain image. We got a lot of anonymous tips from people who work and know Kate, however, they refuse to go by name for fear of that their lives and careers will be ruined. All of them are worried about Kate and her loss of freedoms.

What's really baffling is how stories of her true nature are quickly hidden out of sight. A blogger up North commented that she looked "out of it" and "lights were on, but no one was home" when they recently met up at an elevator at a film festival last year. Soon after this entry was released, the blogger mentioned that they got a call from Baum. When asked about the call, this pseudo gossipiest can only vaguely recall what happened. "She was really nice to me, but after I said hello, everything when black." When asked about this past encounter by the elevator, the story took a dramatic 180. "She was quoting from Nietzsche and Plato", the blogger stated. When asked for more specifics, she couldn't recall any.

At photoshoots, Kate will try and admit that she doesn't know what she's doing. The photos will be fine, however, Baum will get to them and her eye will go from having a small smear of brown in it to being all brown. "I don't know why she allows this" a photographer tells us. "Her eyes looked fine. Glassy and scary, but fine. That woman has so much control over her." Indeed, it sure looks that way. Scripts will suddenly appear in Kate's hand and she will be forced to stick to the scripts instead of thinking for herself as she gives interviews. "In between shots, she was forced to memorize lines before the cameras can roll for an interview. Poor thing."

"That poor dear", a top agent who wished to go nameless told us. "She's taking roles that Kate Hudson won't touch with a ten foot pole. She's not even properly groomed either. When I see her after a meeting with some executive or producer, she's always got all this dust around her knees."

Kate's blank eyes are her blue steel signature, but much effort is created to hide it. "I thought I was looking at a serial killer," a paparazzi stated. "I got this call from her asking for me to meet her at a car wash. She sounded frantic. When I got to the car wash, she was all dressed up but wasn't really going anywhere. She didn't even have a car. She looked at me with these blank eyes, like evil. I had to take a picture." However, when these photos were distributed around, the caption changed from "Death Stare" to "Kate Bosworth gets a car wash and looks fabulous". The paparazzo, whom is now declared missing, made this final comment to us, "I don't know where this caption came from. She looked down right scary to me. I was afraid for my life."

At fashion shows, Kate is forced to go and suck up (amongst other things) to every member of the fashion house. "Unspeakable acts happen when she's with the designers. There's no other way to explain it," a secretary at Calvin Kline insists. "She's not like our normal models that we use as we wouldn't need to airbrush them as much." At our deadline, no comment from representatives from either Calvin Kline nor Coach could explain why their press releases about Kate's modeling were worded so similarly. "That Baum has her hands in everything," our source insists.

Is there any hope at all? Dr. Frag Haggy, an expert in cultural phenomenon, says that the lack of public interest will eventually free Kate Bosworth. "People aren't really noticing what's happening. Other than puzzlement over all her film roles and modeling gigs, most people just don't pay much attention to Kate." Her lack of appeal could end up being her saving grace. "Sure, Baum may try really hard to get people to take notice, but eventually, it will be clear that all the efforts in the world won't get the public to care."

So all we can do is watch and hope that some day, Kate's appeal will be so low that she will be free. Fortunately, with films that are terrible in the can and Kate getting older, that day may be upon us soon.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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