In the upcoming April, 2008 issue of the prestigious "Journal of Macho," an article by Dr. Zauber Flöte provides critical information as to why men have a ball-busting time with women sexually.
Key findings are presented below:
WHERE WOMEN FAIL MEN SEXUALLY
It is a well-known fact that cuddling causes rashes all over mens's bodies. This applies before and after sex. Women have "must-cuddle" genes; men don't.
Foreplay is what the guys watch before the football or soccer game comes on or else they feel it's some rough game with 4 guys.
According to men, sexual intercourse was meant to be a 5-minute experience, at most. The term "getting my rocks off" is directly connected to what men call making love. The latter is what guys feel is a necessary quick and dirty exercise to relieve built-up stress.
Men feel that sex is necessary to maintain healthy plumbing and that lust is a biological need for looking at other women, so that men can remain hot for their partners.
Men have developed a "third eye" when looking at a "hottie" at the mall or elsewhere, when with the wife or girlfriend. This "extra vision" is a protective mechanism, so that the wives or girlfriends will not think of castrating their men for leering. Again, men look at "strange stuff" and get worked up, so that they will remain "sensitive" to their mates needs.
Another problem occurs when the guy finishes in about 2 minutes, at most. Generally, this occurs while the male, during the sex act, is thinking about a girlfriend of his partner, any other married or unmarried woman, and, especially, a female coworker. This brevity can be a danger to the male, as it's a definite giveaway! Two minutes or less and your woman will interrogate you. And, she won't "org" during most 2-minute "wrestling matches!" Also, men always want to conserve energy for future sex with wives, girlfriends, or "something on the side."
Men sometimes complete the act quickly to conserve energy for "honey do" projects. Hey, the woman can't have it both ways!
Some men feel that more than 3 minutes of sex interferes with the "quality time" they need to spend with their devoted hunting dogs.
Sex and late-night comics were never meant to mix. If the woman wants comedy, she must forego sex. Men do not want distracted women during the sex act.
Men like pornographic movies, because often wives and girfriends hate to get kinky! So men are forced to rent or buy sex movies when their partners would say "yuch" to any novel sexual action.
Men actually like to fight with their lovers, as "makeup sex" is the best kind of all. This is the only time all women like a short bout. Makeup sex might take place as fast as warp speed!!!
Women can fake an orgasm (it's a no brainer and quite unfair to the male), so the guy is always questioning his virility. A faked orgasm is a guy's worst enemy.
Reaction to the article has been mixed. Even, President Bush got into the act by saying, "It's high time that the seed of our future has been assured. All men are brothers! I can't wait to have Laura read this journalistic gold mine of fact and recommendations, so that our playtime can be enriched. I mean, does she really need to bring all those vibrators to bed? And, what on Earth is a G-spot?
I assume she mean D.C., I mean right here, where our wonderful Government resides. Clearly, all Americans know where that G-spot is, so, I ask America, what's her problem?"