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Wednesday, 20 February 2008

image for Oh Cheryl, I told you he was a useless lower-class billionaire footballer That kind of thing just makes women jealous

Liv Idbitch - So who is this so-called woman (spit) Ashley Cole (spit) has decided he will be accused of cheating with? Dr Goldie Digger no less, a mere ordinary middle-class professional woman like myself and no top popstress.

Not that there is anything wrong with not being a top pop tart, just that (spit) Cole's choice proves that footballers without exception have sex with women of lower social status than themselves, such as barristers, prime minister's wives and members of the royal family.

When I discovered my husband was being unspeakable with a woman he had met while walking to the car, what made me livid was that she was an airline pilot who couldn't even spell d*ldo, w*nk, t*ts, soap and Jacuzzi. I broke into his inbox and read everything-I'm such a clever gal.

And as for the dress sense of the trouts who netted my husband, looking at the photos he took of them using my camera, I couldn't help whining: "What is sexy about a woman in court in a black suit, wearing a tight skirt and a grey wig?"

What Ashley Cole wants, and what men want, is a woman who either looks UP or DOWN on them, rather than one who doesn't look at all. This is such a clever point. Isn't that a clever point?

Spying on lots of e-mails sent by women to my husband allowed me to see how the huntress works. These women, I call them women, tigers more like, don't beat about the bush. One e-mail to my husband said, "Forget that sour-faced jealous old scroat you're shacked up with, come over for a quick f***".

I mean! Really! This doesn't mean we should stop talking to men and become lesbians, but it does mean we should at least stop men altogether if we don't want them to wreak havoc by screwing behind our backs, usually on our Kingdom of Leather sofas and on our sandalwood-scented night-gowns.

The second thing I noticed about the women who hunt married men is that they go on and on and on.

"You are an honest, learned, caring, randy bed fellow!" read one e-mail to my husband, "But where did you find that old robber?"

Oh Cheryl, no matter how many prestigious enviable singing gongs you're up to win with your wonderful singing career, you will have to remember not to show off to other women who might be jealous and run off with your daft bloke.

By reminding this reptile just how gorgeous, lucky, rich and gifted you are, Cheryl, you are not going to persuade him to either stay or go when there are so many jealous women out there.

You are telling him: you cheated and now you have forced me to be even more beautiful which is like giving an apple to a horse after it has bolted and that tells the horse, ie Ashley, that because the apple has a worm in it, then he is the worm.

When he's alone and gawking at the photos of the gorgeous voluptuous ever-more beautiful you, Cheryl, he left behind, he will think he's won because wearing a bikini puts you in your place, right where he wants you, on the front pages of every newspaper with every man gawking at her, pants down, tissues in hand and every woman going lucky bitch.

Cheryl, how could you forget that for some men extra-marital sex is more exciting than sex with a dull wife? We women can't compete with extra-marital thrills, nor shall we want extra-marital thrills.

Cheryl, he is not worth it. Leave it out. A man who has sex with women is smitten forever with sex so that he cannot stop and hates himself for it. He resents you for not wanting sex with every man in the way he wants sex with every women. He even despises women he has sex with and therefore he does not deserve you or any woman. Thou shalt not forgive him for he knows not what he does.

Get back together and remind him what he has done, and like an adorable little kitten who misses the litter tray, he will do a whoopsie again probably right in front of you.

And above all else, if you do anything at least do not do this one ultimately inadvisable thing, even if you go on a cruise, the ship hits an iceberg, and there are only enough lifeboats for women and children, DO NOT HAVE THIS MAN'S CHILDREN. Not under any circumstances, either accidentally or on purpose because he will loathe and despise you even more because he will no longer be able to stop sucking his thumb because you won't be able to tell him to stop because you're looking after his children.

Take it from me. I have done all these things on both sides of the net, including the things I haven't told you about and then some. Nothing will work because there's always one woman who will be jealous of your money and your looks and the fact you married a wandering wad of dough which is what we all wanted in the first place. Get. Out. Now. While. You. Can. Still. Get. Out, and let some other woman have Ashley's wad.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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