Written by Peter Stinson
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Saturday, 16 February 2008

image for Top Ten Major Discrepancies on the New Coast Guard Cutter Bertholf Coast Guard Cutter Bertholf underway recently for Builder's Trials.

10. The heads back up whenever the scullery is in use.

9. The wardroom floods whenever the scullery is in use.

8. The Chiefs' Mess is only large enough to seat half the Mess.

7. The flat screen television sets mounted at every rack are actually $3 plastic, pretend monitors, unable to do more than just look pretty.

6. The promised "ball stabilization" technology was not included in the billiards table located in the hanger.

5. The heat controls for the private jacuzzi spa, accessible only through the Captain's Cabin, are defective.

4. The intercom system, expected to provide communication to and from every space on the cutter, plays "Funkytown" and "Bohemian Rhapsody" on alternating days.

3. It was discovered that Northrop Grumman contracted with FEMA to provide the berthing and the spaces are massively contaminated with formaldehyde.

2. Since shore power connectivity was not specified in the contract but, rather, just assumed, Northrop Grumman decided the cutter needed no shore power connectivity capabilities.

1. The communications and information systems package on the Bertholf is unable to provide for any secure communications, and will require another year of work and more than $25 million.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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