Written by Tim Hollis
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Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Are you up in arms over pesky American citizens exercising their rights to freely assemble near your military-industrial sweatshop? No need to sweat it. With an InfraGard card your worries are over, because a single call to your criminal cohorts is now as simple as 1-800-FBI.

As a cardholding, outsourcing, downsizing slave owner you've joined with over 23,000 other lowbrow paranoid lickspittle ribbon clerks as a Deputy Junior G-man in the fight against free speech in America.

As a cardholder you'll be one of the first to know when (not if) Adolf Cheney has declared martial law. In the meantime let your fellow 'red team members' know, in a 'robust exchange of information' if there's a problem with union agitators, whistleblowers, political satirists or a determined band of pink-clad ladies.

Compile your own 'black book' of personalized vendettas and add them to the InfraGreed and InfraGoon hit lists. Use your official encryption-protected decoding ring to cross-index your enemies with those of other republican dicks just like you.

Remember, only official cardholders are granted proactive immunity to murder in the first degree so you're sure to be the envy of all the other financial terrorists in your local chapter of the Better Business Bureau.

Has a locally-certified snitch zeroed in on someone non-violently protesting war profiteers? Just load your street legal .50 caliber ammo with complete confidence and apply directly to the forehead.

Thanks to InfraGard you can now lock, load, aim and fire with no fear of embarrassment, so don't just shoot. Stay cool with InfraGard and 'shoot to kill'.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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