The following is a leaked press release on behalf of Westlife:
We would like to apologise as a group for inflicting such childish rubbish on schoolgirls and cynically depriving them of their pocket money every couple of months for the last 10 years or so.
Notice the word music doesn't crop up here, because quite honestly our work hasn't been worthy of such a phrase.
The funny looking one isn't even gay, we just thought it would be good to incorporate male hairdressers and viewers of Big Brother into our target audience by pretending to be like them, as previously we had been missing out on their money… not that people watching Big Brother earn their own money anyway, but you know what we mean.
From now on we are going for honesty, so there will be no more mention of words such as 'band' or 'concert', instead we will be replacing them with 'karaoke', 'Crud' and 'rip-off'… think of us as a sort of crap bunch of buskers who like to charge £100 for awful stadium seats and a view of the back of some blokes head.
We like to rake in the money but not one of us has ever bothered to learn what a musical instrument is or what to do with one, in fact even if someone hit us on the head with a piano, I doubt we'd know what it was, and that's not just because we're Irish. You may as well stay at home and put on one of our god awful CD's and pull a few party poppers… we all mime on stage anyway. Just don't turn up the volume at home with the windows open because the cops will be round to arrest you for noise pollution and antisocial behaviour; then it wouldn't just be us who have criminal records, but you as well!
One final thing, we are planning to subtly change our name; you will shortly be able to vote between such excellent choices as Wasteoflife and Pondlife.
Thank you very much and sorry.