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Sunday, 27 January 2008

image for Celebrity Chef Cookoffs: Nigella Gags on Ramsay's Spotted Dick Nigella just before the Dick Incident

An exciting evening here at the Celebrity Chefs Cookoff as the remaining finalists, Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay, sought to outdo one another in the "Desserts" round of the competition.

Beforehand, Ramsey commented "This is a big night for me, yeh? I'm bound to win: I've chosen to give the judges my Spotted Dick! Can I just say that I've never, ever, in all my years as a chef, cooked with such a bunch of tossers, wankers, bastards and cunts." (The rest of his remarks are unprintable.)

Oliver was similarly confident: "I'll be cooking a Bombe Surprise, packed with Smarties and McNuggets. The kids love it: I just know the judges will, too."

The chefs had an hour in which to prepare their dishes. They were only allowed to dirty one saucepan, one spoon, and a teacup, and were not permitted to clatter any items of cookware, slam any drawers, or otherwise "exaggerate their activity".

The completed dishes were tasted and judged by the Celebrity Panel - Julia Child, Nigella Lawson and Emeril. Unhappily for Ramsay, Nigella choked on his Dick. "Where I come from, Dick is supposed to be sweet, not salty. This one is far too salty, and not nearly sweet enough. It's also too tough. It should be as sweet, soft and satisfying as my Summer Puddings." she explained. The other judges were in agreement: Emeril described Ramsay's Dick as "a fuckin' monstrosity." and Julia Child dismissed it as "not very nice".

A disappointed Ramsay said afterwards "Nigella's Avocado and Bacon Encrusted Sweet Honey Pot is a secret weakness of mine, so this a major blow."

Next round of the competition: "Stuffing"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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