Written by Scott Pettersen
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Friday, 25 January 2008

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An anonymous source at the Al Jazzeria Network has leaked an audio recording of a meeting between Osama bin Laden and his accomplices, showing them planning the 9-11 attacks. A transcript follows. [note: the CIA cannot currently verify the authenticity of the tapes, but will do so when it's clear the public is going to fall for it.]

Osama bin Laden: In the name of Allah and the prophet Mohammed, peace be on his name, this meeting will come to order. Brother al-Zawahiri, will you please read the agenda?

Ayman al-Zawahiri: Praise Allah. Here are the items for discussion.

• Item 1: Strike at the heart of the great Satan and bring the wrath of Allah upon all it's inhabitants.
• Item 2: Unite the entire Islamic world in a jihad against the godless infidels.
• Item 3: Replace the plumbing in the main cave with copper piping.

Osama: What is wrong with the plumbing?

Mohammed Atta: Every time al-Shahri flushes the toilet, the water turns scalding hot in the shower.

Wael al-Shahri: Well, if you wouldn't hog the shower every night...

Atta: Cleanliness is next to Godliness! A curse upon you!

Al-Shahri: Zionist lackey!!

Osama: Order! Order! Brother al-Shahri, that was a blasphemous comment. For this, you will attend flight school.

Al-Shahri: Huh?

Osama: Which brings me to my plan. We smash four jetliners into the World Trade Center and other targets to be determined. Five volunteers will board each plane, take over the controls and fly into the targets, killing themselves in a glorious sacrifice for Allah. Any questions?

Hamza Algha: Just one, great leader. Are you out of your f***ing mind?

Osama: That does it. flight school for you!

Algha: But I have a wife. A family!

Osama: They will understand. We'll make some martyrdom videos.

Atta: Can I wear my red Jihad headband?

Osama: You can wear whatever you like.

Al-Zawahiri: But we already struck once at the towers. If they don't fall this time, it will look like we failed again.

Osama: According to my calculations, the towers will collapse due to the intense heat of the burning jet fuel.

Al-Zawahiri: But no steel building has ever collapsed due to fire. A hydrocarbon-based fire doesn't burn near hot enough to melt steel.

Osama: Fool! You don't have to melt the steel, just weaken its integrity.

Al-Zawahiri: But won't it just bend? The towers will sag like a limp male member. We will be the laughing stock of the world.

Osama: It won't bend. The floors are supported by trusses. When these fail, the floors will progressively collapse in a pancake effect.

Al-Zawahiri: That's ludicrous!! Er... I mean... could your holiness be mistaken? Is it really that easy to demolish a building? If so, controlled demolition teams could just set buildings on fire and save a lot of money on explosives.

Osama: (impatiently) The jetliners will strip away the fireproofing, and...

Al-Zawahiri: Fireproofing? But steel still won't melt even without...

Osama: Silence! Ali-baba [Bin Laden likes to give his associates nicknames] you have to trust me on this one. Now, do we have any volunteers for this glorious suicide mission?

Wail Alshehri: I would volunteer, but, uh... I believe I can serve Allah better here on Earth. Change the system from within, as it were.

Osama: But with this act, you will ascend to paradise and have 72 virgins at your feet.

Atta: I will do it. Praise Allah.

Al-Shahri: Great leader, is it possible to have the 72 virgins first, then find our path to Allah?

Osama: No that is not possible. OK, if there are no more volunteers, I'm going to send all 19 of you.

Al-Zawahiri: Why not 20? Aren't there four planes?

Osama: We have a 20th hijacker in the states, trying to find out if you can learn to fly a jetliner without having to take off or land.

Al-Zawahiri: Won't that arouse suspicion?

Osama: No. They will never connect the dots. Not on their budgets.

Al-Shahri: Well, I'm going to get good and drunk the night before, that's for sure. In a strip club. They have in America what is called "lap dance." You sit in a chair, and the girl...

Osama: Silence! Our mission is to kill infidels, not to dance on laps. Anyway, if you must have this "lap dance" make sure to bring your Koran. And don't leave it on the bar like you did in '93!

Al-Zawahiri: But what about the US Air Force? It is the most powerful and sophisticated in the world, death to the infidels.

Osama: (chuckles) Believe me, they're going to be so flustered and off-guard, they won't be able to get a fighter off the ground. Besides, their defense is focused outward, in a cold war posture. They won't be able to respond to a domestic threat. Not without a Homeland Security department.

Al-Zawahiri: Are you sure? What about that golfer, Payne Stewart? They intercepted his jet over Ohio in a matter of minutes.

Osama: My brother, have faith! We'll turn off the transponders. Sure, they'll still show up on ground radar, but who's monitoring radar at 8:00 in the morning? Americans are late sleepers, death to them. Besides, they'll never be able to imagine planes being used as weapons to crash into buildings.

Al-Zawahiri: But suppose we strike, say, the Pentagon. How are we going to fly a jet all that way without air traffic control?

Osama: Allah will guide us.

[general murmurs of assent]

Osama: Now to the operational details. Kahlid Sheik Mohammed, you will be the mastermind. What is your plan?

Sheik Mohammed: There are flight schools in Florida where you can learn to fly Cessnas.

Al-Zawahiri: (sarcastically) How is learning to fly a puddle jumper going to prepare these clowns to navigate jumbo jets? They can't even drive a car.

Osama: He's right. Maybe we should rent a simulator.

Sheik Mohammed: It can be arranged. A few hours in one of those babies should get them up to speed. We could also get some flight manuals in Arabic. They can study those on the way to the airport.

Osama: Perfect. I think we're good to go.

Al-Zawahiri: Great leader, I mean no disrespect but... Why are we doing this? What can we possibly gain? This will unite the Americans and the world against us. Their leaders will use this to rally public support for invasion of our lands, while increasing the budgets of their military and intelligence agencies. I think we're playing right into their hands.

Osama: Perhaps. But at the same time, they will use this opportunity to deprive Americans of what we hate most - their freedom.

(enthusiastic shouts of agreement, chants of "We hate freedom!")

Osama: Mark my words. As a result of 9-10 [note: the plot was delayed a day when a hungover Atta missed his connecting flight] dissent will be declared "unpatriotic." They'll launch domestic surveillance programs. They'll detain people without charge and without legal representation. Basically, they'll trash their own constitution. Mission accomplished.

Al-Zawahiri: Well, no one has said how we're going to pay for all this. Osama is cut off from the family fortune. And if we do the plumbing thing, we're going to pay out the wazoo. Do you know how hard it is to find a good plumber in Afghanistan?

Osama: We will not have to carry out this mission alone. The infidels have many in their ranks who want this attack to happen, to further their agenda of world domination. I have many intelligence contacts from the Mujahadeen days, and they...

Al-Shahri: Man, those were the days! Hangin' with the CIA, shooting stinger missiles at the Russkies, getting wasted on Vodka... that's what I call Jihad!

Sheik Mohammed: (ignoring Al-Shahri) With the infidel's technology, they could paint drones to look like commercial aircraft and fly them into the buildings using GPS. They had a plan to do that in the 60s - Operation Northwoods - so they could start a war with Cuba. We wouldn't even have to sacrifice our own men. They could be patsies.

Al-Shahri: I move for patsies!

Alshehri: I second the motion!

Atta: What about the virgins?

Al Zawahiri: (ahem) But great leader, would this not be collaborating with the enemy?

Osama: It is written. To serve God, one must sometimes deal with the devil.

Al Zawahiri: (thumbing through the Koran) I don't see that written anywhere.

Osama: Besides, they'll blow their own agenda. I know these guys. My family did business with the Bushes for years. They could screw up corn flakes. First chance he gets, Bush will attack that bastard Saddam and they'll get bogged down in a quagmire that will drain their military and divide America. In the process, they'll create new generations of terrorists for decades to come.

Believe me, this is going to be sweet.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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