Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Wednesday, 28 April 2004

image for An Open Letter to the British People:

Dear British,

I, John Andersen, of Lakewood, CO would like to run for a spot in your House of Commons. I’ve been watching CSPAN 2 now for a few months and I believe I am well qualified to represent some English hamlet or small county. I don’t know much about your system of government or even your country’s proximity to Colorado, but I do know that I have a strong desire to lead and a knack for heckling.

Along with the aforementioned things I do well, I would like you to consider my picture as proof of my desire. If you will, please take a minute and look into my eyes…intense right? My buddies say I’m a good guy to talk with and some of my women friends have commented on my listening skills. I’m pretty good with my hands and that is not a come on. Last week I fixed my mom’s sink, some duct tape and she was as good as new. Oh I almost forgot, I scare the crap out of French people. Well technically they are French-Canadian but still, they come down here with their “L'odeur d'Américains aiment des résidus de porc, eh?”, and I make them pay like the pretentious buggers they are.

I have an extensive public service record and a long list of grievances collated into alphabetical order. I’ve twice run for office and though I’ve lost both times, I won’t make the same mistakes in this campaign – you may all have weekends free of homework. I believe it would be fair to say those experiences have hardened me for a long political campaign, well, that and American Hockey. Among my top priorities for the confederation you like to call the “United” Kingdom are:

1. Fix Health Care. Or whatever name you want to throw on “Getting some sun on those grotesquely white limbs of yours”.
2. Wipe the I-just-dorked-your-mom grin off of the faces of the Welsh.
3. Make a few of those lousy “protectorates” pay up for all that was done for them in the past – Australia, I’m looking your way. Don’t think I’m not still pissed about that whole Outback Restaurant thing.
4. Shut down the Osbournes, they were cute at first, now they’re just giving England a black eye.
5. Do my best to wean Blair from Bush’s teat.

I also promise not to embarrass you in the public eye. If you can overlook public urination and an odd bar fight here and there, I think you will find my character pleasant. Remember John Denver was from Colorado and even though he’s dead I still march to the beat of that great song, “Good mornin’ England how are ya’? Don’t you know me I’m that guy in Parliament? I’m the guy they can John Anderson from Colorado. I’ll want to be your Rep. when the day is done.”

You now have my credentials; I hope to hear from you very soon.

Respectfully,

John C. Anderson

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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