Written by King David
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Sunday, 20 January 2008

image for American sports bar patrons from South more entertaining than "the game" Bar patron from the South

King David reported today that southern Americans in a local sports bar were definitely more entertaining than the game he was trying to watch. This is saying a lot since ACC (Atlantic Coast Conference) men's college basketball games often exchange leads 10, or more times in a game and are often won in the last few seconds.

During a period of two hours, the time it takes to complete one ACC men's basketball game, David was interrupted 22 times by drinking fans and a waitress flirt.

"It all started when I walked into the bar out of a snowy night," David said. "I sat down in the section of my favorite waitress, Susan, and ordered a Sam Adams and my money went right to work for the Democratic Party.

As soon as I looked up, this man dressed in Pre-Revolutionary War era clothing, including his Colonial, Tricorn hat and wig tied into a ponytail stood in front of me. My waitress, Susan, told me that this was Sam Adams, the drunken, black sheep brother of former American president John Quincy, and that they had been keeping him on ice for me all these years and he wanted to thank me for my contribution to a company that supported democracy, not the GOP (Grandstanding On the Potty) like all the rest of the popular American beer companies."

As Sam left, he tipped his hat and throughout the evening David reported often being distracted. One, woman in particular probably in her early 60's/late 50's with a bleached blonde bouffant hairdo stomped up and down with both feet in rapid succession on the wooden floor every time her team made a basket. This spectacle took place several times throughout the evening at the table to David's immediate left.

Our same beauty was reported coming back from the restroom later in the game and proceeding to tell everyone that her "aiss was wet," presumably by potty water that had splashed up on it after she flushed and remained seated. She also seemed to enjoy "bumping and grinding" her "aiss" continuously throughout the evening two feet away from David into one of the men at the bar, probably the husband of hairdresser, Wanda.

The evening did not go by without song as the group of 10 sitting at the table next to David broke out with a verse of "Me and Bobby Mcgee….Freedoms just another word for nothing left to loose, nothin', well, that's exactly what Bobby left me."

At which point David was informed immediately and without reserve by one of his new bar neighbors, hairdresser Wanda that she had just finished talking to her friend in Vegas on her cell phone and was informed that she had only lost $300.00 instead of the $500.00 she thought that she bet on an earlier game.

"Wew, what a relief it was to hear that news," commented David.

But things really got going at half time when a gray-bearded older biker in a leather jacket and motorcycle goggles showed up to drink a few beers, having just ridden in on his Harley Davidson in the snow.

Waitress Susan, apparently excited about the snowy weather and the drop in temperature, approached the old guy excitedly commenting on the low reading of the temperature gauge outside. In return, all she got back was, "I pulled the thermometer out of my aiss and it read 98 degrees."

The high point of the evening, however, came in the second half after Maryland had just overtaken Duke for the first time in the game. Waitress Susan had just removed her glasses to flirt with King David, when, "accidentally," she bumped into him as she rounded the corner at waitress speed hitting first another customer and causing her to fall dramatically into David's lap. This evoked another verbal exchange between the two.

"Are you alright?" he asked as the young couple escaped the assembly line in the "underwear factory," on a commercial for Jockey undergarments in the background.

"Yes," she replied, "thank you" and was off again to the kitchen window to pick-up more food.

About that time, David, wanting to get back into the game, looked up and was distracted once more as he noticed a tattoo on the arm of a very hefty woman sitting at the bar. She also made several comments about her "aiss" throughout the evening.

"No, It couldn't be," the young satirist thought. A closer look revealed that the tattoo was of his old, childhood friend, Alfred E. Neuman of MAD magazine.

Before David left for the evening, he noticed on his table was a phone number engraved on it and the words, "For a good time call (336) 273-1101."

Though it did seem anti-climactic after the evening he had had at the sports bar, he tried calling the number and it put him through to his local Harley Davidson dealership.

No regrets were given.

"….And freedom's just another word for nothing left to loose. Nothing, well, nothing that's what Bobby left me….."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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