KAH-LEE-FOR-NEE-AH, 'UNTIED' STATES OF AMERICA:
You've got to 'feel sorry' for Britney Spears. Really. First, she failed to show up for a child custody hearing and lost visitation rights with her two sons by K-Fed.
Then in a loopy Michael-Jackson-in pajamas replay, she had her nineteenth public meltdown on Tuesday, keeping MSNBC and CNN hopping with "Breaking News" alerts on the pitiful saga that is becoming her life.
To top that off, there's a rumor going around (and a very strong one at that), that Britney is 'suicidal' and left a note to that effect. All of this is denied by her caring 'friends.'
Now, she and her latest 'throb' an unknown Pakistani photographer have been spotted in a Rite-Aid drugstore in California, picking out His-and-Her matching pregnancy testing kits. An anonymous source says she "could be having twins".
Issuing a red-alert, Homeland Security sources say Brit appears to have been "brainwashed by this Al-Qaeda guy. She's obviously a good breeder so he's been recruited to bring her to Pakistan where Osama bin Laden will use her womb to produce many more bin Ladens".
Britney is reported to have said she wants to be known as a "warrior mother".
Asked if she is suicidal, she lifted up her mini-skirt (in a very Anna Nicole-ish way) and danced topless around the room saying she was told by her new guy that 'Death by Childbirth' is an honorable thing in Pakistan.
"You get to Paradise that way and there you can eat all the raisins you want!"
Somebody save this girl! She's been possessed!! Jerry Falwell where are you when you're really needed!!!