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Monday, 14 January 2002

image for Letter Bombshell There's no mail like true mail

"Letter Bombshell - I've had some mail and it wasn't junk!" claims Sheffield woman.

Belinda Flannels couldn't believe it when she went through her mail last week. Sandwiched between a brightly-coloured yellow envelope containing a letter inviting her to apply for a loan, and another one (prussian blue with a gold trim) suggesting that if she switched credit cards her world would be a much better place, there it was.

"It was just a normal letter. It's the first time I've seen one in years!" a surprised Belinda told us. The letter, which was from her friend Jean Ratbottom, who moved all the way from Sheffield to Southend-on-Sea in 1986, brought news of Jean's eldest daughter's imminent wedding.

"Apparently, Nellie - that's Jean's daughter - met this chap at work about eighteen months ago," said Belinda who lives in Sheffield-away-from-sea with her husband Nick and twelve-year-old son, Ziggles.

"At first it wasn't serious. But gradually they fell in love, and now they are engaged. Provisionally the wedding will be on June the 18th, Jean tells me."

The couple will be getting married in church in Southend where they are planning to buy a house Belinda told us. "Jean says house prices are really good at the moment down there so hopefully they will pick up a bargain buy."

There must have been more than that in the letter, surely? "Yes, it was quite a long winded affair, about five pages, I think."

Such as?

"Well, the dog has been ill, and they had to take it to the vet's. He put it on antibiotics. Cost them almost £150."

"Vet's bills can be extremely expensive," said Norman Cheesecake a leading Veterinary

Surgeon from Sittingbourne in Kent. "We always try to get our patients to persuade their owners to take out our special insurance. It's just piece of mind.

"Of course, it isn't compulsory. Another way is to do absolutely bugger-all and just wait until the family pet becomes ill. There are always plenty of brightly coloured envelopes falling on doormats containing letters offering loans with very reasonable interest rates.

"Or alternatively sift through the envelopes for a good credit card deal and pay for your pet's treatment on this."

Meanwhile Belinda Flannels plans to reply to her friend's letter. "Hopefully in the next year or two," she told us.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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