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Sunday, 5 August 2001

image for The TheSpoof.com Guide To Summer Fun & Safety Barbecuing made easy

With summer already here, many readers may have already been on their annual summertime excursions to the beach and held many a cookout. However, its never too late to learn some new fun and safety tips.

1) When playing lawn darts, never aim the dart for other children. Only aim for pets and wild animals.

2) If you are traveling on vacation and accidentally get lost in the ghetto, always lock your car doors and role your windows up just as you are asking a local resident for directions. It lets him know you are safety conscious.

3) If you are on a trip through Arizona, stop at the Grand Canyon and pretend to accidentally forget to leave the kids there. They will be so happy to see you when you come back to get them, maybe they'll forgive you for beating mommy.

4) When leaving your kids inside the car on a hot summer afternoon while you go inside the grocery store, always remember to leave the radio on for them. And buckle them up nice and tight so they can't play in the busy parking lot.

5) When photographing women at a topless beach, try not to accidentally get your kids in the picture, it can ruin your use of the picture later on.

6) Are you stalking that special someone? Stop calling her house and hanging up every five minutes. Summertime provides just the right weather to hide in the bushes outside her bedroom window all night long and watch her while she sleeps.

7) If it begins to rain while you are barbecuing, never take the barbecue inside your house. Instead, cook your steaks on your car engine. The hood provides a rain shelter, plus, if you have an oil leak, you don't need to use steak sauce.

8) When relaxing by a lake, remember: throwing uncooked rice to ducks can make their stomachs explode. This takes too long, throw them pieces of bread filled with firecrackers for an instant bang.

9) Protect your children from excessive exposure to the sun. Always have them work on building that new deck during dawn or dusk.

10) Minimize the risk of angry bee stings by getting to know each bee personally.

11) During summer, many types of wild plants blossom fruit. When in the woods remember this tip; the prettier the fruit, the tastier it will be.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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