I was 8 years old when I began to play the clarinet. I was forced to by my mother, another one of her passing phases for her to accomplish her dreams through me.
Ice staking was a wash out, horse riding was too hard on my arse, ballroom dancing was for 'pansies' not 'geezer birds' like me, but the clarinet? The lessons were cheap and I enjoyed them.
I managed to successfully bypass the sounds of a constipated elephant, achieve the esteemed status of sounding like a feral cat on heat and was soon to take my Grade 1 examination putting me on my way to becoming Ackar Bilke, version 2. I would have succeeded until Amanda got me banned.
Amanda Manning shared her lessons with me. She too was 8 years old and the ultimate b*tch. To best describe her is to say she was not a b*tch, she was the b*tch and Miss B*tch to you. She was a lying, coniving, thieving, threatening, ugly, arrogant and rude young lady of the first order. She is now a lawyer.
Whilst waiting for Mr Thomas, our esteemed and wonderful teacher, Amanda had managed to steal my brand new reed. The reed is essential to playing the clarinet and mine was perfect. I had spent an amazing 30 pence on it. It was ivory white, strong and thick and Miss B*itch Amanada had swapped it for her own chipped, frayed, split and spit riddled reed.
I immediately noticed and demanded she return my reed "IMMEDIATELY!" in a not so delicate way.
"No." She said.
I mean, can you believe that? Miss B*tch said no? To me?
Well, we scream and each other and as my temper rises Mr Thomas walks in and shouts at us both to "BE QUIET LADIES!" and bangs on about having a headache.
Using my childlike charm I explain to Mr Thomas, our esteemed and wonderful teacher, how Amanda stole my reed and, of course, Miss B*tch Amanda denies it.
Mr Thomas says, "Never mind, just play Maria."
Can you believe that? Just play, he says. How can I 'just play'? The reed had been in Amanda's mouth. Yuck!
"No!" Says I. "It's Amanda's reed. It's been in her mouth and she s*cks her dogs kn*b."
At which moment, Miss B*tch Amanada starts to slap me and slap me hard she did.
Mr Thomas then bans me from playing the clarinet.
I know? Why would he ban me? Amanda hit me first. She stole my reed. She s*cks her dogs knob! And she hit me, several times and she pulled my hair!
Well, I hit Amanda back. On the head. With the clarinet.