Written by Simon Bolger
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Sunday, 6 January 2008

image for Superman. Gay? Pull the other one mate. Not as gay as Robin.

It's no secret that I'm a fan of Superman. He's not just my favourite comic book character; he's my favourite film, cartoon, TV character, everything. It has come to my attention that there's been a lot of talk that Superman is gay. I'm not so sure. Maybe he just likes the way the tights feel. As for the pants on the outside? They actually give you more support when worn in this style. You should try it sometime, although not in public, I don't think people outside the Fortress of Solitude are quite ready for it.

But how can Superman be gay when he's spent most of his life lusting after Lois Lane? That's like a middle aged Anorexic woman owning an ice cream van.

"Of course, I'm not anorexic, I spend all day eating ice cream!"

I think there is one character in the Superman mythology whose sexuality has, however, been overlooked. That person is General Zod. Played by Terence Stamp in Superman II. Easily one of the best screen villains I've ever seen. But he doesn't half wear a lot of PVC and leather. That's got dots beeping on the gaydar straight away. He's got that beard that's a little bit too neat. He's a bit too well groomed. General Zod is also responsible for one of my favourite ever film quotes. Lex Luthor is getting a bit mouthy with "greatest criminal mind of our time" routine, and if there's one person you don't want to get mouthy with, it's a Kryptonian General. So Zod turns to him and says "Why do you say this to me when you know that I will kill you for it?"

But there's another line that's caught my attention that Zod is a little bit fond of. To show that he has conquered something or someone and that he has supreme power over them, he says: "Kneel before Zod". Now I'm not an expert on body language, but I think Zod is little too fond of getting men to kneel in front of him.

There's a point in the film where the President of the USA, a mortal human being, is standing in front of Zod, and invulnerable Kryptonian. Zod could snap his back in two, he is dominant of the human, nothing needs to be said or done, it's clear enough. But no, the PVC leather bound dominatrix that is Zod, wants a bit more. "Kneel before Zod!"

Now if you imagine a hundred years later when historians' are deconstructing these events and they're having the same line of thought I am; they can go and ask Zod. He's still alive a hundred years later and he's still Earth's ruler, but he's talking with the press now, he's mellowed a bit over the century. The conversation would be along the lines of:

"Mr Zod, can I ask you a few questions?"

"General Zod. Get it right, Earthling."

"Sorry, General Zod. You know how you get men to kneel in front of you? Why is that?"

"Erm... ah... erm..."
"We've got two thoughts. The first is that you make those men perform upon you orally to show their position of vulnerability."

"Are you calling me gay?"

"You do wear a lot of leather and PVC, and get men to kneel in front of you."

"Is that a yes?"

"Well..."

"Superman wears tights and pants on the outside! Nobody called him gay!"

"He had Lois Lane. Who have you got other than that big, tall guy who can't speak?"

"I think you'll find that Non can be very loving and gentle. What's the second theory?"

"That they kneel down to you to look up at you as an act of worship."

"That's it! That's the reason!"

"So you're not a homosexual?"

"No, I'm not. Are you one of my minions?"

"No."

"Then it's probably time that you kneel before Zod!"

That would be the time General Zod came out to the press. Or into it anyway.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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