Four months into the Hollywood writer's strike and Americans are wondering what to do with their time. Here are some suggestions:
1) Masturbate, or have sex with your partner. Come on. When was the last time you had a good round with your mate? Last Christmas? The New Year? Last summer when the kids went to stay with their grandparents?
2) Have a conversation with your partner. You know, that person sitting next to you on the couch. Remember words? You know those single and multi-syllable exercises that you pronounce with your tongue.
3) Get a divorce. Nothing creates drama like a divorce. Divorces are very common and often entertaining, especially divorces of the rich and famous. The average divorce settlement can take countless hours of your energy and time. Go ahead do what so many others are doing. Take the jump. You'll never miss television again.
4) Move to Los Angeles or Miami. These two cities have more cars per square mile than anywhere else in the world. There is nothing like a "car culture" to chew up your time and energy. By the time night rolls around, after spending all of your time and energy in traffic, there will be none of it left.
5) Have children, read to them and help them with their homework. I know that it seems old fashioned to actually spend time with your kids, but nothing beats them and all the homework that they must do for taking up time and energy. And if you really want to chew up your time read to them and answer their questions when you read.
6) Host a good old fashioned taser/dildo Tupperware party. Yes, do you remember those? Now, they're back, but instead of plastic containers, you can get plastic dildos and stun gun devices. Nothing can beat the hours of fun and excitement that you can have as you watch your friends scream and writhe on the floor then moan with pleasure after you shoot them with your taser and then use the other end to make them come.
7) Go to Miami and count the number of "sleeping" iguanas that fell out of the trees in the winter during the night when the temperatures became cold.
8) Go to Miami and count the number of "sleeping" Cubans that are still pissed off at Castro for the people's revolution that he led back in the 50's.
9) Revolt against your government, Americans. These guys don't care about you. All they care about are their lined pockets, rich lawyers and even wealthier corporations. They could care less about you. Spend time in a revolution. Your forefathers, Mr. Adams, Mr. Washington and Thomas Jefferson did.
10) Finally, number 10. Write for the Spoof. Thousands of people have chosen to spend their time this way over the years. There is no better time hog in the world than using your time writing Spoof stories and sending them to friends. And when you are finished with your stories, click on the "Discussion" link and chew up some more time arguing with other writers about religion and whether there will be rapture.