Key staff members of Fox Television Stations, Inc. were summoned to the company's money laundering headquarters in Australia this week to be briefed by the telecasting giant's CEO, Ruppert Murdock, on his decision to cancel the 2008 Presidential election and just appoint Ron Paul President.
Following is a transcript of the Q & A briefing chaired by Chris Wallace.
Wallace: Good morning Mr. Murdock. May I lick your boots before we get started.
Murdock: Later Chris. And you can kiss my ass, too. For now just read the questions you were given.
Wallace: Thank you sir. Why have you canceled the 2008 Presidential election?
Murdock: Diminishing returns, Chris. It's getting to be just too much of a pain in the ass to go through the pretense of an election. And by now everybody's figured out that top tier means appointed by us so that whoever people vote for their voting for one of our boys anyway- uh- no offense to our fag broad candidate. Everybody knows its a fraud so why bother?
Wallace: How are we going to deal with objections from bourgeoisie reactionaries who insist on an election.
Murdock: We're not. I'm going to create a new football league and we're not going to discuss anything on the news except for petty crime and financial transactions and scandal related to the new football league- Maybe Brittaney Spears' douche difficulty- that kind of stuff. The fans are going to go nuts over the gay, tight end we've got lined up for the new league. Presidential primaries will be the last thing on their minds.
Wallace: What are we going to do about the non brain dead, patriotic minority that can still peaceably assemble in cyberspace and speak freely?
Murdock: I'll let FCC Chairman Abernathy field that one.
Abernathy: Chris, we've conned that useful idiot Pat Robertson and his so-called Christian alliance to file a complaint with us about pornography on the internet corrupting innocent children. Because of our urgent concern about the children we're having an emergency, closed doors hearing on the issue next week. The Memorandum order is already written. We're going to impose so many restrictions of the internet that you won't be able to write, "Hi mom", without a swat team from Homeland Security showing up on your doorstep.
Wallace: Are we really going to get porn off the internet?
Murdock: Thanks Commissioner Abernathy. I'll answer this one. Of course not, Chris. Internet porn is a very profitable line of business and like that Robbin Williams guy said, God gave men a a brain and penis but only enough blood to run one at a time. As long as we keep 'em thinking with their dicks they don't ask too many questions.
Wallace: Ron Paul isn't our boy. Why are we appointing him?
Murdock: Good question, Chris. I'm glad I wrote it. You've been whining about all the complaints from Ron Paul supporters about our fascist tactics. Hey. Give 'em what we want and they'll finally shut up. They burn my ass too, you know.
Wallace: Will I have to lick Ron Paul's boots.
Murdock: No offense, Chris, but everybody knows that you're not worthy to be mentioned in the same breath with Dr. Paul, much less lick his boots. Besides, he wears yuppie loafers. Just keep up what you've been doing. Ignore him unless we write a line for you to insult or ridicule him.
Wallace: But when you appoint Ron Paul we'll have a President who doesn't take marching orders from us. Doesn't that work against us?
Murdock: Short term yes, Chris. But in business, sometimes you have to take a short term loss for a long term gain. Americans aren't going to tolerate outright fascism for much longer so we'll let them have President Paul. He knows the score, knows fascism when he sees it and knows Constitutional democracy. But Ron Paul doesn't understand what that bastard Lincoln did. He preserved the Union and for over 60 years it was almost impossible for big money interests like us to take over. Remember, we couldn't even get the federal reserve and the IRS set up until 1913. Paul understands that government is run by patsy bureaucrats like Abernathy so, and it's very logical, he'll simply downsize federal government. Our job is to make sure that the Ron Paul administration undercuts the federal offices that protect the people as well as those that rob and persecute them. Then we can run things through the state and local governments and there'll be no federal government to stop the states from doing what we've done through federal government for the last hundred years. We need to upset the checks and balances in between state and federal government. The Union has been our biggest obstacle.
Wallace: Mr. Murdock, that's twisted.
Murdock: Thank you, Chris. It always makes me feel like I have a semi literate son when you say things like that.
Diebold Chairman: Herr Murdock, on behalf of Diebold and our Axis partners at Omron, we'd like to ask what we are to do vid our voting machines.
Murdock: Basically Mr. Chairman, you can shove 'em up your ass. You won't need 'em. But like I said to Chris a moment ago- short term loss for long term gain. We're not going to cut off our Axis Power partners. I'll capitalize retooling and when the dust settles you'll make more money manufacturing implant chips than you ever dreamed of making in the voting machine business. Oh, we're going to rename you too. Diebold has a nasty German ring to it. In the reorg, we'll rename you American Liberty Commission for the safety of Children and Patriotism.
President Bush: Mr. Murdock, I'm gonna need help with my departure speech. Am I supposed to support Ron Paul as a Republican or warn the people about a tin hat internet complex that will menace the Republic.
Murdock: George, God knows you've always need help but you're on your own this time, buddy. Tell 'em anything you want. You're history and I'll be almost as glad as the Ron Paul supporters not to have to listen to any more of the bullshit we put in your mouth. I'm thinking we might plant the rumor mill with a notion to have you tried for treason after you leave office- maybe promote it with some campus protests- that kind of stuff. Our lawyers are already looking into the Constitutionality of it so we can plant a few clues to help out our Constitutionalist friends. Maybe Alex Jones can lead on this one for us. I think we've got the public about ready to accept televised hanging and that would have to be good for our Neilsons.
Bush Bush: Oh.