Written by Dan Bristol
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Friday, 23 April 2004

image for Disney's Financial Woes Disney's Next Move: The Christ Franchise?

You know, I was looking at the stock market reports. I enjoy it. It's the greatest power-game in the world and you can really learn quite a lot from it. Case in point: Disney's stock has plunged over 20 points during the past five years. I couldn't believe it: Disney, the name that has meant heart-warming entertainment and WAY too expensive pens was experiencing financial woes! This is far more important than starving Bosnians, the ozone, layer, or the Middle East. CNN has spent WAY too much time on this. Then I paused, and said, "Well, all right. Let's take a look at Disney's fiduciaries and see what we can figure out." I think I may have resolved the fiscal crisis of an entertainment giant.

First of all, having little anmiated birds and mice dress Michael Eisner every morning, while cute and disturbing, really isn't what I would call cost-effective. The key to a successful business is the reduction of overhead. Ask the ALDI corporation in Germany, whose supermarkets offer low prices by minimizing capital expense.

Then we have the audience. As an audience, we Americans just aren't interested in love, hope, or the triumph of the human spirit. We want blood, car wrecks, blood, sex, blood, war, blood, and oh yeah . . . blood. My suggestion: Give Goofy an AK-47. You know he's been aching to take out that freakin' duck for years!

Then we have the long-awaited remake of Pete's Dragon, which is 83 million dollars overbudget and 17 weeks behind schedule. My suggestion: Distribute a whole bunch of those little pads that you flip a page at a time and it shows a cute little cartoon moving around. Send these to the theaters.

Then, let's not forget the fact that 78 percent of this country's population has been sued by Disney. I mean, when you're lawyer-happy, it's kinda hard to maintain that lovey-dovery bullshit.

Then we have the recent and tragic death of a major Disney icon when the steadily decreasing number of clapping children in this country eventually resulted in the demise of Tinkerbell. Sorry, kids, but you killed the fairy. You take the blame for that one.

Then we have marketing analysis flaws that have abounded in Disney's recent years when they lost that chimp that picks the winning TV shows to HBO. Most TV sucks these days, but have you ever glimpsed the Disney channel? If I were a kid, I'd be insulted.

Then we have plain old apathy in the board room. Too many of Disney's executives were too busy swimming in that lake of gold coins they keep in the safe to do anything about Disney's declining market share. Sorry, little people, but the boss man is too busy having sex with super models on big piles of money to do anything about it.

Morale at Disney's theme-parks has also contributed to this steady decline. I remember when, back in 1987, one of the guys who wears the Mickey suit came to work drunk, and then pimp-slapped a seven year old kid. Low morale has led to a virtual public relations failure, that and the failure of Disney's employees to observe the moadatory "Continual Whistling" policy.

And finally, we have the simple fact that Disney has been losing money. All the hush money they've had to pay out to the families of the Mad Teacup Ride's 280 victims has taken its toll.

I think the best way to remedy these problems is very simple. First, kill the duck. Donald is a sardonic little shit and his bad attitude is dragging the company down. Secondly, not enough violence in their programming. When Goofy finally snaps and goes on a rampage with an automatic assault rifle, the American public, I assure you, will sit up and take notice.

Finally, I would also suggest a major change in Disney's lead icon, one that is in synch with America's rising, rap-driven, urban-based gangsta culture...replace Mickey Mouse with Ricky the Rat, or just have Tony Soprano wear the mouse costume for a day.

[the opinions expressed herein are purely for amusement and should not by any means be taken seriously, except for the part about Donald Duck. I hate that bare-assed little prick and I hope he fuckin' DIES!]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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