Written by TJL
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Sunday, 23 December 2007

With the monumental success of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, the movie studios (God bless their cold black hearts) have tried to come up with the next big fantasy epic for the big screen, because as we all know, an inferior rip-off is the sincerest form of flattery.

Eragon, like the Lord Of The Rings movies, is a fantasy adventure film based on a series of books. But while LOTR had an epic feel to it with it's sweeping story, amazing visual effects, a brilliant ensemble cast and a jillion bucks in box office reciepts, Eragon has a telepathic dragon, a bland hero who looks like he belongs in a boy band and a song by Avril Levinge.

And by the way…Avril Levinge is not punk.
She's a poseur with too much eye makeup.

There, I said it.

In a faraway land, evil King John Malkovich (played coincidently by John Malkovich) rules his subjects with the stunning charisma you would expect from John Malkovich; a man so melancholy he probably takes downers to feel better.

If only the famed Dragonriders, the extinct dragon riding knights of old (who are kind of like the Jedi but not enough to force a lawsuit by George Lucas) would return and set things straight!

Meanwhile across town simple farmboy Luke Skywalker - oops, I mean Eragon is going about his daily farmboy life, wondering if his wavy blonde locks could get more beautiful, when he stumbles across a large blue rock while skipping through the woods.

The rock turns out to be an egg, a baby dragon comes out, and before you can say "best pet EVER," Eragon and his new pal are having all kinds of fun on the farm.

Of course evil Darth Malkovich gets word that his prized dragon's egg has been poached, so he dispatches his army of ogres to kill everyone who might bring joy to his kingdom.

On the run from the bad guys, Eragon hooks up with veteran British guy Jeremy Irons who is not I repeat NOT playing the Obi Wan Kenobi part! He just happens to be a retired Dragonrider who agrees to teach Eragon the ways of the Dragonriders to bring down his old arch nemesis. Toatlly not Obi Wan! Seriously.

Soon Eragon learns that he and his now fully-grown dragon are psychic friends, and can communicate with each other telepathically. Safira the dragon (voiced by Rachel Weisz) tells Eragon that the bond between them is forever, and if he should perish then she dies as well, which is something every guy wnts to hear from a girl he's just met.

Eragon and Safira meet up with a small band of rebel fighters waiting for a chance to take on the evil empire (Folks, I'm not going to bullshit you anymore - this freakin' movie is Star Wars set at the Rennaisance Fair!) and the Dragonrider is reborn in a glorious battle that is just spectacular enough for the budget of this movie.

Of course they win the battle but not the war, and Evil King John Malkovich lives to brood quietly on his throne for another day, because this movie is based on the first book in the Eragon series and the producers hope to get a multi part movie franchise off the ground.

Which I think would be cool!

I can't wait until the next movie where Eragon and Safira learn that they're actually brother and sister and that John Malkovich is their Dad!

And then they do another movie where we meet a young John Malkovich when he was a happy little Dragonrider before he turned to the dark side and Jar-Jar Binks plays a local blacksmith who helps Eragon win the podraces…

Tom Levier lives in New York City. He speaks telepathically with the squirrels in the park.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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