Written by Madison Cade
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Thursday, 20 December 2007

If you're a reader who subconsciously or purposely forms a mental picture of the character in a story, it is important to know Madison was my mother's idea of a "presidential name." I am a man - "Maddy" to my friends.

I've been married 15 years to a woman who doesn't love the Chinese buffet. I L-O-V-E the Chinese buffet! Not Chinese food mind you, because the rice, all that freakin' rice - don't fall for the rice folks. They're trying to fill you up with empty carbs.

This narrative is a critical warning about marrying someone who doesn't share your love for the frequent buffet.

When I even get the slightest hint that my wife may be willing to join me at a Chinese buffet, I get that tingly feeling and the brain starts: "Man, yes, I have the time and the opportunity, I may actually get some buffet here - and it's been so long." And I know you're wondering why I just don't go myself, and I could, but like other activities, um, like golf for instance, you can do it by yourself, but it's more fun with a friend or someone you love.

So then as we start driving to the buffet the brain starts working: "Wow, this is actually happening, I am going to the buffet right NOW." Then I spot the electric glow of passion hanging in the window - OPEN - and the brain continues to churn, followed now by the stomach and heart: "This is actually happening." Into the lobby with the over-sized Buddha and little dangly tassels hanging from the ceiling. (What are those?) The brain activity soars: "Wow, I can almost taste the Kung Pau. You don't even have to wait, you can just begin. It's all there for you, hot, available. Who is Colonel Tzu? Do you think he knows Colonel Sanders? Why do Colonels make such awesome food?

I load my first plate, chicken only, all flavors and cuts, over-flowing. The first bite is so sensual, so explosive. Then it sets in: "Oh crap!" I love this so much, I want to enjoy this buffet all day, but I know she won't come back soon, so this may be the last buffet I get to enjoy for weeks." I can't even enjoy it for the fear that it will end in minutes.

For your health and peace of mind, please check the level of buffet interest in your significant other.

- maddy

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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