Written by Ben Macnair
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Tags: Christmas

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

image for Father Christmas - A life in the day Where's Wally?

My days are usually all the same, with the rare exception of Christmas Eve.

It is that day when I spend all of my energy, and use up all of my good will towards mankind. Honestly, my Reindeer do more for the world than many people. Everybody says how they think I have it easy, just working one day a year.

Do you people have any idea just how many letters I have to reply to. I have all of those letters from brats called Kevin, or Wayne, wanting this or that, and then when they don't get it, who gets the blame?

Yes, that's right, buddy, old Muggins here, is it any wonder why I have so many people dressing as me. I have to be everywhere, and those red clothes, and groovy beard combo hides everything. We have all types lining up to be Santa. Of course, we have some people coming along as Satan, because they misread the advert.

For years, I have had stalkers claiming to worship me, but it is not me who demands the sacrificial Goat. Honestly, Santa and Satan are different names, how can anyone get them mixed up?

Is that it? I usually go to bed at around 11.15pm, after Newsnight on BBC 2. People think I will be a lot like Rolf Harris, or Hugh Laurie or Michael Palin, all happy and smiley when they meet me. But I am not like that at all, I am much more like Jeremy Paxman. Now, get of my lawn before I release the Hounds.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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