Aries (March 21-April 19): You will be lucky in love this week, as the hooker will mistakenly give you change for a $20 instead of $10. Coworkers will respond to your authority by staining your chair with tiny, barely perceptible amounts of urine each day, so that you're never quite able to locate the source of the smell. Friday is your day to make a big change in your finances. Maybe stop buying all that shit from informercials, eh?
Taurus (April 20-May 20): This week offers up surprising revelations. Surprising to you, because admit it, you're a bit dim. Turns out most people don't like you so much as tolerate you. And you're adopted. But only because your birth parents couldn't force themselves to love you, not because you're a drooling mouth breather. You are, but that's not why they didn't love you. They're not monsters, for God's sake.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): This is the week to reveal your interest in incest to loved ones. Odds are they won't particularly approve, but how long can you keep living a lie? A change in your routine will lead to a romantic tryst with a janitor in a men's room and a nasty little case of the clap. What change in your routine? I think you'll be pleasantly surprised when you figure it out.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22) You will be murdered by a snake charmer. Weird, eh?
Leo: (July 23-August 22): A fun experiment with international cuisine will lead you to new friends. Dysentery and fever dreams! Your career is on the fast track as a death at the office affords you the opportunity to capitalize. That's right, the guy in the office you wanted was a Cancer, and he's getting murdered by a snake charmer (see above). Too bad that dysentery's going to take a grim turn come the weekend.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Romance abounds as you're sent to prison for tax fraud and public indecency. Not guilty you say? So does everyone! Enjoy your bunk mate "Burlesque Les." You'll also run into an old friend on a trip to the store. As a result, vehicular homicide will be added to the charges against you.
Libra (September 23-October 22): No one will ever love you again. Sorry.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Friends and coworkers embrace your bisexuality. Good for you for being brave and open. You'll find good fortune come your way once you kick a couple bad habits, like stuffing all those bodies in the crawl space. It's back to the river for those young men! A phone call from an old lover sparks a renewed relationship which you're glad to have, because grandpa's not going to be around forever.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): An accident with hair removal will lead to a hilarious evening with friends and quite a bit of blood loss. A pregnancy scare will convince you that your years of getting completely sloppy on heroin and cough medicine then going to frat parties need to be reconsidered sometime in the near future. Vanilla Ice will offer to go down on you in an alley for $5. Or some tacos. Will you have both on you?
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Don't think your life can get much worse, do you? We'll just see about that.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): A near death experience will convince you to devote your life to Jesus. Jesus will send a form letter requesting that you respectfully fuck off. The man came back from the dead and could walk on water, what the hell does he need you for?
Pisces (February 19-March 20): That rash won't get better any time soon. On the plus side, not a lot of people really want to see you naked so it's mostly your own private shame. A night on the town with friends leads to a hilarious misunderstanding when you order a beer and the bartender thinks you told him his mother is OK in the sack but not as good as his dad and he beats you into a coma.