Written by King David
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Wednesday, 21 November 2007

image for "Get stuffed" this holiday; advice from voluptuous fitness guru, Cloy Bauer Wearing sheer and tight-fitting clothing like this woman, while distracting for guests, can help you not to overeat

Today show nutritionist, fitness guru and founder of the Cloy Fit club, Cloy "the joy of epicurean and gluttonous behavior" Bauer says that Thanksgiving doesn't have to be feast or famine as long as you follow her advice:

  1. Wake up in the morning on Thanksgiving Day and have lots of passionate sex on. Nobody has to be at work, and, sex lasting long enough, can stimulate your metabolism helping you to burn all the calories that you are going to take in later in the day.

    You're also not going to want to have sex later in the day after stuffing yourself with Thanksgiving dinner. In fact, with all the gas that is going to build up inside you, nobody is going to want to be around you. Go for a walk instead.

  2. Don't eat anything in the morning. You know that you are going to stuff yourself later. Do you really need more calories?
  3. Wear something fitted and very sheer. Tighter clothing, the larger you expand, will make you feel more uncomfortable. In sheer clothing, you will be feel more self-conscious and aware of your body sort of like lifting weights wearing a tank-top.
  4. Eat facing a giant, wall mirror, so that you can see the "fat pig" that you're becoming. If no wall mirrors are available, a large, brass candelabra will do.
  5. Wasting calories on alcohol? Bologna! Drink lots of alcohol. Face it, the more you drink, the better you are going to feel. You're already feeling guilty thinking about it, so imbibe. Erase all your feelings.
  6. Instigate a food fight with the children's table. This is a great way to entertain children and get rid of extra food, making sure that there aren't any leftovers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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