Written by websmuggler
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Monday, 19 November 2007

image for Police describe area man as "a person of no interest". The victim of one of the countless crmes in which Herbert Schlomberg is a person of no interest

Police departments have long used the term "person of interest" to refer to crime suspects, albeit ones with as yet too little evidence against them to arrest. But not Herbert N. Schlomberg. Chicago area cops describe him as a person of NO interest.

"Schlomberg? Christ, don't even get me started on that asshole." says Detective Ben Dover. "He confesses to everything! If it's in the newspaper, he did it. He's in here it seems like every day, droning on and on about his latest crime that he probably saw on some TV cop show."

Finally I have to tell him 'OK, Herb, we're gonna keep an eye on you, so don't leave town! And you'd better get yourself a lawyer.' That gets rid of him. For a few hours, anyway. If ever there were a person in which no sane cop would have an interest, It's Herbert N. Schlomberg."

Inspector Dwight Mannsburden agrees. "And when Schlomberg's not confessing to every crime starting with the assassination of Julius Ceasar, he's 'helping' us solve them. Oh, Herb's also a psychic - did I forget to mention that? HE never forgets to! Anyway, he'll go on for hours about 'I'm getting an image of who did it. It's someone the victim knew, unless maybe she didn't. And his name starts with an 'E'. Or at least contains an 'E'...or, uh, some other letter...' By this time, I'm tempted to pull my .45 and make HIM 'the victim'. Instead, I just take a deep breath, count to ten, and call the boys in the white coats to take Herb to the nuthouse for a psychiatric evaluation. Unfortunately, they always let him out."

Psychiatric experts say that "chronic confessors", such as Schlomberg, are not uncommon. They class his with other delusional mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, paranoia, catatonia, psychosis, Christianity, and support for George W. Bush. Explains prominent psychiatrist Dr. Sigmund Fraud, "Herbert Schlomberg is a classic textbook example of the litmus test of a gold standard for overused, hackneyed cliches such as classic, textbook, litmus test and gold standard. And, uh, for mental illness as well. While he might seem as sane as you or me - well, as ME, anyway - he is actually, to use the scientific medical term, 'Fucking crazy as a loon'. And all the voices in my head agree with me on this.

"By his confessing to every crime he hears about, he is in effect seeking the approval he never got in childhood. But his confessions are all nonsense. At least the one about his singlehandedly committing 9/11, when we all know for a fact it was the work of a conspiracy between the Trilateral Commission, Illuminati, Skull and Bones, Council on Foreign Relations, Freemasons and Bilderburgers. And, uh, the Jews."

But for now, Herbert Schlomberg seems likely to inspire the police to utter lack of interest for years to come. The very sight of him walking into the precinct house is enough to make detectives groan "Oh no, not HIM again!". They know that for the next few hours Herb will confess to every crime, real or imaginary, and mostly the latter. "That murder last week on State street? I did it." he explains to monumentally disinterested detective Mike Chisel. "Yes, I killed that black guy...

"The victim was white, Herb." Chisel patiently explains.
"Oh. Whatever. Anyway, I shot him..."
"He was stabbed."
"Well, I guess I could have done that too..."

Finally Schlomberg dons his tinfoil-lined hat and leaves, much to the relief of the cops. Detective Chisel sums up: "There was time when we actually didn't mind Herb that much, as he provided us with a much-needed laugh in the midst of our grim workday. But for now, he's definitely a Person of No Interest."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

56 readers are online right now!

Go to top