Celebrants of the completion of a "man room" in the home of Blacky Poplarski, "The Polish sausage" reveled this morning in the wee hours, regressing about 10 years in age for every hour they stayed up drinking beyond midnight.
The plan was to begin drinking at 3 in the afternoon on Saturday, watching their favorite college football teams play on two TV's in the house, eat venicent chili and have the "Man Olymipics."
Things were fairly civilized until the men began competing with one another in the scheduled, "Man Olympics." After eating chili with venicent from a doe that one of the men shot last season and grilled Polish sausages marinated in cheap beer, all men anteed up $3.00 a piece and threw their antes into a man-made box made by one of the men.
Action for the "Man Olympics" began in Poplarski's driveway with the first event, the large bolt washer toss in which each tosser gets a chance to throw five, large bolt washers 30 feet into a large, ground coffee can bolted into the middle of a square box made from 2 x 4's about 2' x 2' long.
The boxes were made by "Man Olympics" participator and bolt washer toss designer, Henri "The man" Mancini, one of the tossers in the group.
Each man's score was written down with a large, contractor's marking pencil on the back of a used paper plate fished out of the trash can.
At the beginning of the battle, a proclamation was stated so eloquently by man's man, Michael "the coasty" Poplarski, Blacky's younger brother, that the man coming in last place with the lowest total score would be shot in the ass by the winner with a 22 cal. pellet gun.
One man, Nick "the stick" Router let it be known that he would "fight anyone to the death who was even bold enough to think about shooting him in the ass with a 22 cal. pellet gun."
No one shot Nick "the stick" in the ass.
The next event was the cheap beer can shoot in which participants fell in line and shot cans of Old Milwaukee, Yuengling and Papst with a 22 cal. pellet rifle from 30 feet away, a distance challenging enough for any wanna-be redneck who had been drinking since 3.
But all did not go smoothly for the men when the neighbor's dog, a high-strung, duty-bound and unfailingly persistent, Austrian German Shepard, began chasing stray pellet shots into the woods behind the target area. The dog probably got shot in the ass a couple of times.
"Nein, Summer, Nein!" was repeated throughout the night.
With the exception of plinking the concrete yard ornament of St. Francis, ensuring that all men would find a place in hell and the errant German Shepard, the shooting event came off without incident.
But next came the beer chug and the law of averages reared its ugly and disparagingly insipid head. The day had been going all too well. In this event each man would be timed to see how long it took him to slam a 12 oz. beer of their choice.
First up was Michael, "The coasty" Poplarski who unfalteringly and with grand respect from the other men set the mark to beat for the group.
Farting and snarling and dawning a drop-point skinning knife with finger holds and a 3" stainless steel blade so sharp that it sliced through the bottom of a can of Old Milwaukee like butter without even a mention of sound. Looking like the stout, ship captain redneck hunter that he is, Poplarski popped open the top and slammed his beer in 3 seconds.
Michael's older brother, Blacky, was next. Following the same procedure as his younger brother and after a few gears from the group, Blacky put his big Polish lips to the bottom of the can, tilted it up and popped the top arousing all of the group members and giving them semi-erections, "Click."
Trying to beat his younger brother's mark of 3 seconds, and after he finished guzzling the beer and ripping the can from his mouth, all of the other contestants were shocked to hear a blood curdling, "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"
Blacky had ripped the lips right off his face as the twisted metal caught skin. Instead of hearing the familiar, hollow crash of an empty beer can hitting the ground, everyone heard an unfamiliar cushioned thud of skin hitting instead.
Two hours later after Blacky returned from having his lips sewn back on his face at the ER in Dude University Hospital, the men resumed activity for the "Man Olympics" in the "upper field" behind the driveway at "death knell for deer camo Kevin's" house.
In about a four-acre lot that resembled more of a campground than backyard, the men built a funeral pyre to artifice and pretense, letting it go in the night and engaging in paintball warring, farting, name calling, character bashing, bubble bursting and nighttime ATV (anti-television) 4-wheeler racing through the woods at high speed.
Another "Man" event, the 4 wheeler tug-a-war, involved hooking two men's 4-wheeler's together with a wench from one of the 4-wheelers.
As the 4-wheeler of Brian, "the paintball warrior" went against "Coasty" Poplarski's supped up camo Suzuki, the paintball warrior's 4-wheeler started skidding from side-to-side and finally ended up in the giant bonfire, blowing up and sending the camouflaged warrior through the air and into the roof of a nearby shed.
Fortunately, none of the men were hurt.
In another incident, "Marlboro Man-Girlie," Rob Purdue and Henri "the Scallion" Mancini tipped over their 4-wheeler as they drove fearlessly into the night.
Wearing only headband lights for vision and using the headlight beams from their 4-wheelers and being unfamiliar with their new surroundings, they didn't see the thick limb that came at them like a 280 llb defensive tackle for the Pittsburgh Steelers going 20 miles per hour.
The men, both of them knocked completely out of the saddle, had to dodge the 4-wheeler as it came back down with no driver on it after running up an embankment on the other side.
"This is more fun than masturbation," Mancini said out loud. "Can we do it again?"
As morning broke, the wives of the men were shocked to look outside in the backyard to see a "strange-green polka-dotted fungus" that seemed to have appeared overnight on all of the trees. But a closer look revealed green paint and a paint ball rifle propped up against one of the trees.
The auto-cad mechanical drawing event was reported dropped from the "Man Olympics" because of lack of interest.
Results of the "Man Olympics" were as follows:
Michael "the coasty" Poplarski won gold with 8.5 points. Followed by his brother, Blacky who won the silver with 8 points. And Nick "the stick" Router finished third for the bronze with 7.5 points.
All other men were reported alive and in good shape after the night.