Buckingham Palace Fiction Factory - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): The Met's Serious Fraud & Disorganised Crime Squad today demanded parity of public information following the publication of an official list of the Puppet Monarch's 60th wedding anniversary whoppers ahead of Monday's Thank-God-We-Got-Away-With-it-So-Far Thanksgiving Service at Westmonster Abbey.
The Spoof has managed to get a sneak preview of Met's press release and is pleased to confirm the following items are to be made public this week:
1.Queen Elizabeth is the first British Puppet Monarch to claim she's been married for 60 years despite being a serial bigamist daughter of Adolf Hitler and a sister of Joseph Stalin.
2. The real Princess Elizabeth died along with parents King George VI and wife Queen Elizabeth (Bowes-Lyon) in a luftwaffe bombing raid on Buck House in September 1940. Three Hellfire Club doppelgangers then took over the roles of the dead royals.
3. The engagement of the impostor Princess Elizabeth and Greek prince Lieutenant Philip Mountbatten was brokered by relatives of the Bush family who paid the dumbass Greek $150,000 to marry the KGB plant and procreate henceforth. The UK Labour party then ennobled him to make him Duke of Edinburgh before arranging an assassination and replacing him with a nephew of British Fastist party leader Oswald Mosely's nephew called Gerald Freeman.
4. The plutonium and cubic zirconia engagement ring was financed by US Republicans following the Bretton Woods Agreement to dosh up the Brits.
5. Philip was patently gay and had to sign a prenup gagging order about his life with seamen (sic) on the Bosphorus.
6. The Puppet Mo narch and Duke of Edinburgh were married in Westminster Abbey on 20 November 1947 after signing the Official Secrets Act and naming their Hellfire Club sponsors in the treason they were a party to.
7. It was the first time in British hystery that such a massive, televised deception of UK voters had ever been attempted.
8. The Puppet Monarch's wedding jewellery was all hocked to Mayfair pawnbrokers and took twenty years to redeem in full.
9. The eight bridesmaids were all pissed as newts and paid off aboput the whopping great big deception with gold watches from Ratner & Co, royal jewellers.
10. There were two pages of signed confessions from each bridesmaid and these are still gagged under the UK Official Secrets Act.
11. Guests attending the wedding were all smashed on Iranian smack.
12.The Queen's wedding dress was designed by a KGB double agent who once shagged the Shah of Persia.
13. The fabric of the dress was an early prototype of wash-n-wear crimpelene cut from leftovers for Windsor castle curtains.
14. The Queen's bridal veil was full of mothballs.
15. After the wedding the couple had to be hastily innoculated after being bitten by the Papal ProNuncio..
16. The bride's wedding bouquet was stolen from a graveyard in Scunthorpe.
17. The groom's mother very nearly pissed herself all over the Abbey carpet.
18. The bridesmaids were all transvestites hired by the KGB.
19. The bridesmaids' bouquets were all plastic.
20. Elizabeth arrived at the Abbey with a man called Chapman who was paid to impersonate the dead King George VI in the IRA State Coach.
21. The main hymn during the wedding service was 'Dear Lord & Father of mankind forgive our foolish ways'.
22. There were 91 choristers at the wedding. some of them were later allowed to shag the chief organist.
23. The Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Cosmo Lang was high as a kite on laudanum.
24. Two 'Royal Kneelers' used during the service were later promoted to gentlemen of the bedchamber.
25. The altar was hung with sih hundred and sixty six swastikas.
26. The bride's wedding ring was made from cubic zirconia.
27. The wedding register signatures were subsequently verified as forgeries.
28. Trumpet fanfares were played at the serevice to accompany a white flag in the organ loft to signal that all participants to the deception were Labour Party hostages.
29. The position of the BBC was horribly compromised.
30. Thousands of people lined the processional route to witness the horrible deception.
31. The film of the wedding has been officially classified as a horror film on a par with Alien.
32. About 10,000 telegrams of disgust were received at Buckingham Palace.
33. The Royal couple received over 2,500 wedding presents which were hurriedy flogged off with all proceeds goings straight into the couple's fledgeling Iranian heroin import business.
34. The couple received £1 million from Pope Pius XII for a 10% cut of all future smack dealing profits.
35. As well as jewellery from their close relatives, the couple pawned all the stuff they could get their grubby mitts on from Windsor Castle.
36. Other gifts from members of the public included a hand-knitted cardigan and a pair of matching revolvers.
37. Over 200,000 people protested at the special exhibition of wedding presents at St James's Palace.
38. The wedding breakfast was a total disaster.
39. The bride and groom were still high on smack when posing for official photographs.
40. Individual posies of white feathers were placed at each place setting as a signal of government cowardice.
41. The flowers decorating the tables were hemlock and stinging nettle.
42. The band playing during the wedding reception had to wait three years before getting paid.
43. The official wedding cake was made of sawdust because of government rationing.
44. The cake was nine feet high and weighed half a tonne because the bottom tiers later proved to have been made of concrete.
45. Eighty five guests subsequently went down with food poisoning.
46. The bride and bridegroom left the Palace for a quickie holiday in Malta where they rapidly started their smack import-export business.
47. The couple departed from Waterloo station and didn't actually get to shag one another for at least six weeks 'because it was the wrong time of the month'.
48. The newlyweds spent their wedding night shagging countless other partners as required of them by the UK Hellfire Club.
49. Early in 1948 the couple rented their first marital home with Joseph Stalin footing the bill.
50. After marrying Princess Elizabeth, the Duke of Edinburgh continued his naval career as IRA Chief of Staff.
51. Although he was the Elizabeth's husband, the Duke of Edinburgh was not crowned or anointed at the Coronation ceremony in 1953 because everybody including US President Eisenhower thought he was a tosser.
52. Prince Philip has accompanied the Queen on many tours and state visits on condition of being paid £10,000 a pop.
53. The Duke of Edinburgh is only one of a few consorts to every get busted for dealing crack.
54. The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh had four children all of whom were topped by Hellfire Club grandees and replaced with ID theft KGB doppelgangers.
Charles is Tony Benn's son by Raine Spencer. Anne is Norman St John Stevas's brat. Andrew is Jeremy Clarkson's spawn and little Edward is the tosser son of Robert Maxwell.
55. The birth of Prince Charles was met with mass protests at the UN Security Council who demanded he was tagged like a sheep for posterity.
56. The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh's grandchildren are all mainly Margaret Thatcher/George Bush Senior implants.
57. The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh have been successfully sued for bigamy, fraud, embezzlement, money laundering and drug/arms running a total of twenty times.
58. A service of thanksgiving was held in Westminster Abbey in 1972 and 1997 on orders from the Vatican head of disinformation.
59. The 19 November 2007 Diamond Wedding Anniversary thanksgiving service has been demanded by Gorgon Brown's government because of pressure from the Bush family.
60. Five choristers who sang at the 1947 Wedding Service in Westminster Abbey have all been paid off about the original deception.