Written by Ben Macnair
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Saturday, 10 November 2007

image for My Life with Postman Pat - by Jess the Cat Jess the Cat

My days with Pat usually start at around 4pm, when he wakes me with half a pint of milk and a Kipper. I don't like Milk, or Kippers, but I am a Cat and can't communicate my dislike of this food to the fool.

Lately, he has been on Strike, so he doesn't bundle me into the back of that Van everyday, and since everybody from Greendale has been leaving it in droves, or dying, like Mrs Goggins, God rest her soul, there is not so much for Pat do to these days.

Of course, with the advent of Ebay, and the growth of the Internet it does have a knock on effect on everything these days. Mr Jones, and Billy at the top of the Hill, well they get a lot of parcels, some from overseas, and they can't all be books. I don't think Billy ever learnt to read properly, and every day I go into his barn, and I see him gluing words from Newspapers to sheets of paper. Sometimes it is not even word, it could just be single letters. He has not been the same since he lost his job.

Pat has usually finished his rounds by 10pm, and then it is home for a couple of hours. I used to watch This Morning, but it is just not the same without Richard and Judy. Sure, he was irritating, but it was always fun watching him embarrass his Wife like that. For years, I thought she was his Mum. It is always fun watching them on Screen together.

You Humans are so easily embarrassed aren't you? Imagine if you had to do what we Cats have to do.

After This Morning has finished, we go back to the Post Office, and help with the Sort. The lads at the depot are a good bunch. They look up to Pat, probably because he is the eldest, and has been there longer than anybody else.

Pat never had any ambition to be anything else. He never played an instrument, never studied College courses, never did anything. He just loves his little van. He has had Girlfriends, but they never seem to last. I guess they found him dull and boring after a while. I find Pat dull and boring, and I am asleep for 20 hours a day.

I never usually dream. I am a Cat, and have no fears, or ambitions. I only ever really dream of Orville the Duck for some reason. God, we worked in Panto years ago, slimy, wet little **** he was. He was all 'I wish I could fly'. You're a Bird, surely you have learnt how to do that. God, I hate that Duck.

Pat looks me away at about 8pm at night. It seems cruel, but I much prefer it that way. He gives me proper food in the evenings. Sometimes I have to go out and catch it myself. I like Pigeon, but I never get it completely through the Cat Flap.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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