Written by Bullshot Bill
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Friday, 9 November 2007

image for Live from BB-sea - INDIA vs PAKISTAN This is me, rapidly heading south.

Good morning everyone, and welcome to the Kashmir. I'm Bitchy Renault and I'll be with you right through the day.

Well, it's that time again, and we're all ready to start the day's play in this the most important match-up of this year. Or probably this decade. In that case, the century.

India won the toss, and chose to be the good guys. The temperature on the ground is -32°C and wind is Southeast at 100kMph (60mph).

And here come the first Pakistani shells now, and landing well short of a full length. I think they're trying to stir up the Indians early on see if they can provoke some intemperate stroke-play. I suspect the Indians were expecting something like this because the 105mm.

Howitzer battery behind us here has just opened fire, and the gunships are really opening up. The Indian commander has a definite plan. He's just not sure what it is.

It looked like the Indians had drawn first blood, but the replay clearly shows that the 105's missed the bunker by a fair way. A lot of rockets from the Pakistani side now, and the Indians feeling the pressure. I think the Indian senior officers have got to stand up, knuckle down, bite the bullet, dig deep, lead the way and get on with it.

It's starting to snow right now, and we may have to halt proceedings on account of bad light. Or shrapnel. That would give the Indian top order a chance to regroup and work on their strategy for the next session.

Yes, we've just had word that play has ended for the day which will now allow both sides to deploy heavier weapons, and boy have they got some heavy weapons.

I'm keen to get a look at India's new chum, SU30mk, up against politically incorrect F16's of the away team - but we must keep in mind the fact that both teams are yet to play play the game to their full ability - if they do we'll have the sort of contest the we haven't seen in 62 years. And that ended up a very one-sided event. If it does happen here, naturally our live broadcast will end, as will all other living things.

Before I go I must say a few words about the supporters of each side.

The confusing western supporters of India have been vocal in their criticism of Baluchistan, or maybe one of them other 'stan places, while the confused Pakistan supporters of the Middle East aren't sure whether they believe in peace and tolerance and hospitality, or bombs and murder and no fun.

We've also got to remember the enormous interest China has in any major play-offs in the region. The last few days of play could see Chinese support at the ground of one side or the other that could lift that side to a major victory.

Well the producer just told me that I've talked enough drivel to fill the time slot so until we get a break in the weather I'm off back down to Singapore to bloody well thaw out.

Till then, I'm your most boring announcer, Bitchy Renault!

$*X%%!! That was too $*X%% close. A bloke could hurt or something. $*X@% this I'm off!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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