Written by Steve McQueen
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Tags: Surgery, Ugly

Thursday, 8 November 2007

LASIK Eye Surgery Reveal
Ugly People Everywhere


Oh, the "miracles" of medical technology...

My eyes had been slipping for years, but I had no idea how bad my eyesight was until I got LASIK surgery. Or should I say, how good it was. Let me tell you something about corrective-surgery that the doctors won't: You can never go back to a world of blurry contentment. I wish I could, because one of the horrible side effects of having perfect vision is realizing how truly hideous-looking people are.

Sure, its nice to be able to read magazines without holding it inches from my face, or to not have to squint when I'm typing messages on my cell phone, but Jesus, its a small price to pay for not having to see my co-workers' every revolting imperfection. The fact that I blindly enjoyed dealing withTake Tina for example. She sits right next to me. I thought she was pleasant enough to look at, but that was way back when I had shitty vision and every last one of her facial pores wasn't spewing grease at me in crystal-clear contrast. Jesus, its like the La Brea tar pits. Its like looking at the craters of the moon through a high-powered telescope. Maybe its just in my head, but I swear that now I can see her oily skin congealing right through our dividing cubicle wall. I'm sure that's what Superman used his x-ray vision for.

Or Katie, the heavy lady who works across from me. Before, she was always just a pleasant shape: soft and round, like a hot-air balloon floating off on the horizon. Suddenly I get my eyes fixed, and all 275 pounds of her is suffocating my field of vision every time I turn around. Did those doctors give me bionic eyes or something? Its like every extra underarm flab is in 1080p high-def. Maybe you can tell me why the image of Katie's massive ass-crack is still there when I close my eyes. Its like the screensaver of my mind. And guess what? Suddenly the source of that weird smell is all too apparent: Pure, unbridled ass-sweat. So I guess another blessing of this operation is smell-o-vision, free of charge. Does my insurance cover perks like that too, Dr. Mark (you Fuck)?

I'm sure there are plusses to being able to see well, but in this world in which we have to interact with other gross human beings, its mostly a curse. Ignorance really is bliss in this case. And now I have to avoid Maria, the chick I've been macking on for three damn months. I understand now why she sits alone at lunch. My miracle vision can now make out every thick hair on her upper lip. Her 'stache puts mine to shame! Seriously, maybe she's holding that seat for her brother Luigi, who will drop by any minute to share a bowl of spaghetti with her. I'm watching out for green Koopa shells and fire balls. Just spectacular.

The miracle of sight is totally overrated.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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