I, like most Americans, have been focusing on the big issues of the 2004 campaign. Lately, I have lost lots and lots of sleep over what styling products John Kerry uses to get that perfect, unmovable helmet head.
Seriously, I have lost sleep over this. Instead of getting a life, which I should do, I have decided to get to the bottom of this.
I have come to the conclusion that John Kerry has risen to power since the disappearance of Heinz 57 sauce. Heinz 57 sauce was a blend of lots of ingredients ---perhaps 57---that could be used on lots of different foodstuffs (again 57 ---see the theme here?).
I believe as I look over my shoulders to type this that John Kerry uses Heinz 57 sauce to keep his hair so immobile.
It is a magic potion that is helping him rise to power. Heinz 57 sauce is evil. We must destroy it and John Kerry's hair.
the opinions expressed in this piece are not Spoof opinions. They may not even be mine. I am not sure. I've lost a lot of sleep.