A growing number of hippies and tree-hugging fools, undeservedly referring to themselves 'scientists', are presenting the theory that the earth is experiencing a potentially catastrophic unnatural warming. Based on a large body of something called 'empirical evidence', these so-called 'scientists' are claiming that this warming of the earth is being heavily influenced by human activity.
Others, upstanding and honest citizens including executives and lobbyists for multi-national corporations, who clearly have nothing to gain, rather rightly call the human-influenced global warming theory "the biggest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people." One of the most out-spoken and pubic of these is United States Senator James M. Inhofe, representative of the state of Oklahoma. I sat down with Senator Inhofe, one-on-one to try to get to the center of this controversy.
TZ: "So lets get right to it, this whole global warming thing, the earth isn't even actually warming, is it?"
Senator James Inhofe: "No way, the earth is...oh man! it's pretty hot in here, mind if I turn up the air conditioner?"
TZ: "Not at all, I like it cold. Please continue."
JI: "As I was about to say, and have said before, this is the single greatest hoax perpetrated against the American people. This is even bigger than when those left-wing nuts helped Saddam take all the WMDs out of Iraq so we couldn't find 'em, and then claimed he never had 'em. Sorry! let me get back to the topic at hand. The planet as a whole is actually cooler than it was previously. I have verifiable scientific data that shows that millions of years ago when the earth was forming it was at temperatures of millions of degrees Farehheit. Now that's a heck of a lot warmer than the planet is now."
TZ: "So the human-influenced global warming theory, why is it so persistent?"
JI: "It's these environmental extremists, probably a bunch of commies and homosexuals, running around doing 'experiments' and collecting so-called 'data' that supports their theory. What do you think they need to keep their shoddy projects running?"
TZ: "Funding I assume."
JI: "Of course! It's the big bucks. These lefty-wackos are rollin' in it, and they're using the publicity to get famous too. Look at Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio, what have they ever done that anyone's heard of?"
TZ: "Not much that I can think of. Continuing, this so-called scientific community claims that global warming could have catastrophic consequences, including coastal flooding, the displacement of millions of people, war, drought, famine and species loss. They even claim that the very survival of the human species may hang in the balance. What do you have to say to this?"
JI: "Well, first let me say that if the globe does warm up its a darn good thing. We can make Oklahoma the world's greatest beach destination. And if Antarctica melts we can finally get at all that oil that's hidin' under there. And...ah geez!"
TZ: "Are you alright?"
JI: "Yeah, I just remembered that I left the fridge and freezer doors open when I left home. I couldn't decide if I wanted a Coke or a Popsicle. I stood there for about five minutes and I couldn't choose, so I just had both."
TZ: "I love Popsicles, and don't worry about leaving those doors open, it'll just make your kitchen nice and cool for when you get home. But I digress, are there any motives besides money for these hippies clinging so desperately to this hoax?"
JI: "Well for them it's like a religion, and it's in vogue to be religious. Just like Madonna and her Kabala-whatcha-call-it, or Richard Gere and his Judaism. It's just another play for the spotlight. And get this, those vegetarian crazies are trying to convince us that eating meat is impacting global warming. What a joke. Besides, you can't eat healthy just eatin' lettuce. You gotta get your vitamins from the four food groups: beef, steak, pork, and bacon. And they want us to abandon our red-blood American vehicles, and use public transportation. There ain't no way I'm riding a bicycle or getting on a bus with all those smelly hippies, those people don't bathe 'cause 'it would harm the environment'. No siree, I'm stickin' with my customized V18 Hummer, it gets two miles per gallon and can drive over an elephant. A real American pride if there ever was one."
TZ: "Well, we should wrap this up. I'm going hunting at one of those game-farms where the animals are fenced-in and can't get away. It's so easy to shoot them. It's a blast. Any final thoughts?"
JI: "Yeah, I done that hunting too and it's great. Well, let me finish by saying that the government policies these hippies are trying to put into action can only harm the American people. These commies just want to slow our super-economy and let those sore losers in the rest of the world catch up. They claim that 'we're all connected through our-shared humanity' and that we should consider issues from a 'global-perspective'. Well, I got one thing to say to that: It's un-American. And I, being a staunch defender of America, like Superman or Captain Planet, will not tolerate any activity on our soil that is against American and its beliefs of imperialism and global-dominance. All Americans, excluding the homos, lefties, and commies of course, must stand together to end this hoax and strive for 'truth, justice, and the American way' as our fore-fathers urged."