Written by TJL
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Tags: NIKE, Sleep

Wednesday, 31 October 2007

6:00 AM - Awaken from a good night's sleep. I quickly put on my Nike Dri-fit pullover and my tights - the ones I run in, not the ones I wear when I patrol the city at night searching for evildoers.

6:10 AM - Begin stretching exercises. Lose balance while trying to touch right heel to back of my head and fall, ramming the radiator with my forehead before crashing to the floor.

9:27 AM - After regaining consciousness and applying Bactine to skull, I head out the door.

10:14 AM - Finish pre-workout breakfast; steak, cheese omelet, bacon, hash browns, blueberry pancakes, one box of "Trix" cereal, coffee, 1 pkg. Drakes "Yankee Doodles," and two diet Yoo-Hoos.

10:32 AM - Arrive at Park via cab. Commence power-walking session by firing a ceremonial shot from my starter's pistol. Frightened bystanders hit the ground and toss me their purses and wallets.

10:34 AM - Begin striding at a brisk pace. Realize I forgot to wear my heart rate monitor watch, so I begin to emit a loud beeping noise with each step.

10:39 AM - Rest break on nearest park bench.

11:52 AM - Awaken from my rest break. Have post rest break brunch at Tavern On The Green. The waffles are heavenly.

12:56 PM - Resume walking. Child on bicycle rides up next to me, asks why I am making beeping noises. Explain to her that I'm a sophisticated robot sent to look for bountiful food supply for a race of child eating aliens. I laugh joyfully at her shrieking.

1:04 PM - Body temperature rising. Begin shedding layers of clothing. Sunlight hits my pale pasty body; reflected glare from my alabaster skin blinds a group of German tourists, and causes a Yorkshire terrier to burst into flames.

1:07 PM- Right arm goes numb, heartbeat becomes irregular, running tights creeping up into some forbidden territory.

1:16 PM - Begin experiencing a "runners high," I am lying on a gorgeous Hawaiian beach enjoying a frosty Margarita, when a beautiful bikini clad woman emerges from the surf. She lies down next to me and we begin making out big time…

1:18 PM- I am on the ground in the middle of the park in the throes of what can be described as a mild Grand Mal seizure. Luckily, a beautiful E.M.T. worker emerges from an ambulance and begins to give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…

1:19 PM - I begin screaming when I realize beautiful E.M.T. giving me mouth-to mouth is actually a 300-pound park worker named Enrique. Awkward silence immediatly follows.

1:31 PM - A real ambulance arrives to take me away as people cheer wildly and divide my possessions.

8:10 PM - Removed from the intensive care ward. Begin planning next week's workout session while writing thank you note to Enrique for the lovely flowers he sent.

Tom Levier lives in New York City. He won the New York City Marathon last year. Seriously, he did. Don't bother to look it up. It's true.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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