He once stood tall in society, garnering the respect-no, reverence-of all he passed. We once held the belief that he was the lone soul whose valor led Him to discover the New World, found capitalism, build the automobile, set foot on the moon, and even father Norah Jones and Freddie Prinze Jr. Indeed, he was the White Man. With time, however, ours beliefs change.
Gone, it seems, is the illustrious reign of the White Man. When we look at today's American presidential hopefuls we see a field that mirrors a bowl of Lucky Charms: white cereal bits mixed with excessively colorful marshmallows. The leaders of the pack are a woman and a black man. In the past the candidates were about as diverse as a bowl of Cheerios (and not the Honey Nut kind), but now we are on the verge of allowing the bowl to contain more marshmallows than cereal. It might not be long before America's youth finds itself eating a bowl of candy for breakfast, or even worse-a bowl of Count Chocula.
The economy is being hauled away on the backs of non-white and even non-male persons. Walking in the streets of New York, one sees more Asians in suits than whites. Clearly, they must conspire to take over Wall Street, or perhaps, it is just coincidence that the decreased revenue in New York's karaoke bars is equivalent to the sales gains at Joshua Tree. Walking upon the fields of barley, one sees more Mexicans than whites. One can only assume they plan to usurp the nation's farmlands and simultaneously kidnap Sting. Even the richest man in the world is now a Mexican, and even though he did not have to jump 800 miles of fences, Señor Helú did have to hop Gates.
There seems to be a drop in general respect. Even reading the last few lines, one notices that Asian and Mexican are given special grammatical treatment; whereas, white is not even capitalized. This disrespect permeates through all levels and aspects of society. WHITE men are not appreciated in sports the way they used to be. The last Super Bowl saw the meeting of two teams both with black coaches. ESPN must have covered the story for days, but the last time two white coaches met in the Super Bowl, not a word was mentioned. Because of this lack of gratitude, WHITE men have shifted their focus to sports of greater importance, such as NASCAR and UFC. It is only logical to expect the term "baller" to be replaced by "driver," and the phrase "Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee" to be substituted with "Put 'em into submission like a dominatrix." It is only a matter of time.
I realized this changing sentiment a few years ago around Christmas when I saw a black decorative Santa. The absurdity of the observation confounded me. Evolution alone would dictate that the frigid climate of the northern Arctic over centuries would produce a WHITE Santa with a low relative melanin count. At this rate, the next Superman might be black; the next Wovlerine Navajo; and the next Spider-Man Middle Eastern.
In these uncertain times, it becomes imperative for the West to win the modern Crusades. It is the last hope for the WHITE Man. A failure on this front would mean the loss of all, not just Spider-Man. It could result in women claiming Adam as the cuprit with the forbidden fruit. It could mean Jesus turns Arabic. It could mean God is not WHITE, and that the devil does indeed where Prada.
Yes, WHITE Man, perception is everything. Did you ever really set foot on the moon? Did you really plant the seeds that budded Ms. Jones and Mr. Prinze Jr.? Such questions do not have clear answers, but you once convinced us otherwise. So regain your glory. Do it for yourself, do it for society, and do it for SPARTA, NY-96.62% WHITE and proud of it.