Written by desparado11

Print this

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Occam's Razor coined the notion that the simplest explanation is often the right one. Therein lies the flaw with conspiracy theories. If the good Friar Occam is to be given any credence, conspiracy theorists immediately find themselves at the root of their problem. The more complex their alternative stories get, the more plotholes are created and overlooked.

The theorists must rethink their strategy for public acceptance. Real conspiracies do and have existed. How else can we honestly account for Shakespeare's prodigious works, the success of the transcontinental railroads, or the Velveteen Rabbit? The only reason some conspiracies do not see the light of truth is that they are overshadowed by the cover of subjective history. Acceptance is just a matter of simplifying conspiracies to transform them into historical truths.

On Katrina
Spike Lee and others have suggested the flooding of New Orleans and the Katrina aftermath were the result of government schemes against the black community. This theory seems simple enough. President Bush sends a few stealthy statesmen to plant some bombs on the levees and, BOOM, the dynamite goes. The plan is rather flawless actually, especially if the secret squad was led by Sam Alito, a master of blending into the background.

However, the race card scenario is too complex. There were plenty of poor whites affected in those neighborhoods as well. And what about the puppies? First Dog Barney has never shown any signs of ill treatment. Indeed, it seems Kanye might have been wrong. It is not that George Bush hates black people; he hates poor people.

Our country has a history of hating the impoverished. To be poor means one does not enjoy capitalism. It means one is a Commi, but even before American Commi-bashing, we had American slavery. Slavery was never a race question. It was an economic situation which allowed the rich to turn their molasses into rum and then into cash. Had the Africans of the time displayed some bling and called themselves Macaronis, they might have avoided the fate.

For evidence of slavery being an anti-poor practice one can turn to the American climate in 1812. The push to annex Canada had much to do with our northern neighbor's falling fur trade. As Canadians sank into poverty, Americans found another, nearer source for cotton-picking labor. But as our troops invaded, they were frightened by the Canadians' pale palettes and ran off into the woods crying, "Ghost!" For the Canadians being white proved advantageous, but it was not the only way to avoid bondage.

The Statue of Liberty may beckon, "Give me your tired, your poor," but that is only because Americans have long enjoyed beating those newcomers' faces down into our streets of gold.

On Global Warming
Those that saw the Emmys recently were reminded that while Hollywood constantly produces tales about elaborate government machinations, the Westside Jews are not always above the fray of conspiracy.

Al Gore accepted an Emmy for pioneering online video distribution with Current TV. Perhaps, the Academy is not yet aware of YouTube. As former Vice-President Gore took the stage and clutched his Emmy as a king his scepter, his Hollywood minions rose and gave him a standing ovation at yet another award show. Gore, for his part, stood with a smug smile across his face as if he knew something the public did not.

Gore's An Inconvenient Truth warned us about the apparent dangers of global warming. Whether the conspiracy of global warning has merit presents too much complexity ever to be resolved as truth or untruth. The real issue at hand then is whether Hollywood has teamed with Gore in a secret pact, the results of which could be harmful-the very definition of conspiracy.

The evidence does seem to point in that direction. Two major Hollywood awards for the former VP. The close support of golden boy, Leo DiCaprio. And the tipping factor, Tom Cruise's outbursts over the past few years. There is no other way to explain Cruise's transition from superstar to supernut. He played John the Baptist to Gore's JC. Perhaps, his antics should have been understood as signs of a greater coming.

Whether Gore's Army (the GA) is planning to overthrow Good-Ole-Bush's administration or has set its sights even higher-on the major studios-is unclear. The only obvious takeaway is that the collision of the left wing media and the right wing government will create a vortex of destruction that even Sam Champion could not forecast.

On 9-11
The engineers that worked to debunk 9-11 conspiracy theorists, who blame the government for the tragic events of that day, did everyone a justice. It would have been, however, even easier to debunk them with the first segment above. Men and women working at the World Financial Center were and are rather well off individuals, and because the government hates the poor, it makes sense that it likes the rich. If the attacks were staged by the Bush administration, targets would surely have included Spanish Harlem and the D.C. Metro Ghetto Area.

The truth behind 9-11 might actually lie with the greatest rabble-rouser of the 1990's: Ross Perot. His disappearance from pop culture seems to have coincided with Bin Laden's reemergence (give or take a few years). The 1993 WTC bombings occurred shortly after he lost the presidential election in 1992. He opposed American presence in the Middle East during the first Gulf War. Bin Laden seems much older than his reported 50 years of age. One might argue he looks much closer to the supple age of 77.

Again, the simplest explanation is often right. Lois Lane never looked under her nose to see the truth. We cannot afford to do the same. After all, two plus two is indeed four, but the absolute value of (2 + 2 -10) * 3 / 4 is also four . . . well almost.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


46 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more