Written by Erskin Quint

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Wednesday, 24 October 2007

February 4th

The Earl of Rutland this morning visited the Prison Hulks at Dunford Estuary, where he was received by Her Majesty's Second Lord Light-Lieutenant of the Essex Marshes (Mr Terry Blister).

His Royal Highness this afternoon opened the Hillaire Belloc Vivisection Facility at Lungburston Maximum Security Hospital, Lungburston. He was presented with a death-mask of Dr Crippen by Mrs Alice Fugger, Lungburston's oldest resident.

The Earl of Wessex, Patron, later presented the Final Solution Awards for Poultry Productivity at QuickChick Ltd, Wishbone House, Norwich, and was received by Her Majesty's Lord-Lieutenant of Frottage (the Lord Inkstand).

February 4th

Prince Henry of Wales, Patron, this afternoon attended a rook-slaughtering at Ye Olde Cornish Duchy Farmstead, Zelor, Bodmin, and presented the Snivelling Hypocrite Awards for Superior Gentrified Whining & Covert Profiteering, where he was received by Her Majesty's Lord Periwig of Penzance (the Lord Ingot), and where he was later pelted with goose eggs and stale pasties by Mr Trelawny Foy, a redundant gorse-harvester.

Today's Birthdays

Baroness Crumhorn is 88; Lord Deadletter of Dawlish 98; Lord Drivel of Clinkerhouse 106; Lord Justice Bastinado 77; Lady McWithering of Shamcastle 123; The Marquis of Clunt 71; Lord Quicklime of Hassocks 212; The Mock Queen of Zululand 47; Desmond Bandicoot, captain of The Old Reprehensibles Croquet Club, 32; Dame Felicity Turpentine-Alabaster, former trapeze artist and 'squeezy-wheeze' of 'Bertie-Wertie the dashing Pwince Wegent', 155; Len Thug, retired gangster and novelist, 66; Jarvis 'Binkerton' Binkerton, dirigible enthusiast and bogus major, 89; Giles Ningo, mountebank and inventor of David Cameron, 42.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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